Ah, the tween years. I haven’t forgotten you, can’t ever forget you.
That strange land between childhood and full-blown teendom where your sweet baby starts giving you side-eye for breathing too loudly and rolls their eyes so often you’re literally dizzy.
But underneath that new attitude (and the sudden obsession with hoodies, headphones and sock height), our tweens still needs us so much. Not in the same way they did when they were three and needed us to wipe their… noses and cut their grapes, but in deeper, quieter, and sometimes frustratingly invisible ways.
Here are 10 non-negotiables tweens desperately need from us parents, whether they like to admit it or not.
1. Our unwavering presence
They don’t always want us around, but they always need to know we’re around. This means being their anchor in the chaos, even if you’re just sitting in the next room pretending not to listen to them FaceTime their mates. They might say “leave me alone,” but what they really mean is “please stay close, just not too close.”
2. Boundaries (aka love in disguise)
Kids push boundaries not because they want to break free, but because they need to know the walls are still standing. Rules, expectations and consequences make them feel safe, like someone cares enough to hold the line, even when they’re testing it with Olympic-level determination. While this can be immensely draining, it’s one of the most important things we’ll ever do as parents. Hold the door, parent, hold. the. door.
3. Patience that stretches like chewing gum
There will be moods. Oh, so many moods. And you’ll constantly wonder where your sunny little buddy went. It can be daunting and confusing and oh-so tempting to join in the fray, but what our kids need from us here is our calm.
This might help: 11 ways to be a more patient parent
So take a deep breath, because your ability to not take it personally when your kid stands there with that look and a mouth full of snapping gum, is next-level good for your relationship forevermore.
4. Open ears without the lecture
Tweens are starting to figure things out for themselves and they don’t want a sermon. I confess, this is an aspect of parenting that I really suck at. I’m a natural sermon-on-the-mount type of mother and it takes everything to rein it in. I fail spectacularly, of course.
But I’m also a good listener and kids just want someone who listens to them like it’s the most important conversation in the world. Even if it’s a 2 hour speed-talking session on their favourite Minecraft YouTuber or why the school toilets are “literally a health risk.” So listen, just listen. And try not to follow my lead with the lectures – my kids (oddly enough) never appreciated them.
5. A soft place to land
It breaks a mother’s heart to see the brave little face they put on for the world. Learning to navigate friends, teachers, schoolwork, hormones, and the sudden realisation that the world isn’t always kind. Home has to be the place where they can fall apart, get it wrong, and be lovingly rebuilt.
It might feel pretty ugly at the time, but giving them a place to let out all the stress and disappointments that the world throws at them is paramount to making it through with their mental health in tact. Or as in tact as it can be… no one escapes adolescence without a couple of scars at least.
6. Freedom to grow
Confidence is built on being given chances to make decisions, screw up a little, learn, and try again. So give them the space to do all of that and more. Yes, it feels unnatural to let your newborn make some key decisions, but that’s how they grow. Into bigger newborns, of course.
Just keep the boundaries and safety net in place (and maybe a quiet eye on their internet history).
More on this: Why the tween years are a golden opportunity to get set for the teen years
7. Respect (even when its not mutual)
Yes, respect is a two-way street, but a little give – maybe even a lot of give – is necessary. Sure, we’re the parent, but our kids are becoming their own person and it helps to acknowledge that. Ask for their opinion, listen to their ideas, let them explain (even if it’s a five-minute kid-splaining monologue about something they actually know nothing about).
Growing up, I always remember my friend’s father who demanded respect from his kids. He was one of those “I’m the parent, you’re the kid” kind of parents who expected full obedience just because he was bigger than everyone else (and, yeah, sure, he paid for all the things, too). Man, did we laugh about that dad behind his back.
Which is not to say I’m encouraging kids to laugh at their parents, but rather giving a cautionary tale about how respect is earned, not demanded. Unless you’re a kid – then you should just automatically be respected because you’re a kid and you’re learning.
8. Encouragement without pressure
The world is already piling on the expectations – marks, talents, sports, social media kudos. What tweens need from us is belief in the form of cheerleading and gentle nudges. They need to know that we value effort over achievement, and that failure is really just a stepping stone.
I always started by asking my kids what they wanted out of school, friendships, life. What were their goals, their aspirations – what would make them feel good? What extra were they prepared to do to get there? And then, the biggest question of all, what would they need to do right now to start to make that happen?
9. Laughter and a bit of silliness
Life gets very serious for tweens, very fast. Injecting a little lightness – a shared inside joke, a silly face in a serious situation or just watching dumb TikToks together – keeps your connection alive. Don’t underestimate how powerful a good belly laugh can be (especially if it’s at your own expense). Kids delight in seeing the human side of their parents, so don’t be afraid to show them who you are and have a little fun. You don’t have to be the parent all the time, sometimes you get to be the cray mate.
10. Love, love, love
They may squirm when you go in for a hug or groan when you say “I love you,” but I’ve never let that stop me. Kids need to feel loved, consistently, fiercely, and without condition. Tell them, show them. Bake the bickies, send the love heart text, write the little note for them to find in their schoolbag. Just love them wholeheartedly in a thousand loud and quiet ways, every single day.
Parenting a tween is not for the faint-hearted. But it’s also one of the most tender, transformational times we ever get to experience. Sure, they’re not little kids anymore, but they’re not grown-ups either. In fact, they’re wonderfully stuck in the middle, and they need us to meet them there.
Feature image by Carafife; girls by Monstera Production
