If you’ve ever found yourself cutting the crusts off a sandwich for a child who can now beat you at Wordle, welcome. You’re in the thick of the tween years, that curious stage where they’re not little, not quite big but still very, very good at outsourcing their basic life tasks to you.
Whether you think of it as incapability, laziness or efficiency is up to you. But I’m going to go with efficiency. I mean, why would they do something themselves when there’s a perfectly capable adult within shouting distance? Personally, if someone was willing to pick up after me, I’d go ahead and let them.
Yep, here’s the tricky bit: we’ve trained our kids to be incapable and maybe even a bit lazy.
More on this: Raising independent humans who can actually do stuff
Modern parenting, especially for our generation, leans heavily into being helpful, present, supportive. All good things. But somewhere along the line, supportive can tip into doing things they are more than capable of doing themselves.
The research backs this up. Studies in developmental psychology consistently show that autonomy – or giving kids age-appropriate responsibility – is strongly linked to confidence, resilience and long-term wellbeing. Kids who are trusted to do things for themselves tend to believe they can.
So if you’ve got a tween and a creeping sense you might be doing a bit too much for them, this ones for you. This isn’t meant to be critical, rather it’s a way to help you ease back on the parenting job requirements… for your sake as much as your kids’.
1. Stop solving every problem
From forgotten homework to friendship drama, it’s tempting to jump in and fix things. You’ve been there, you’ve seen it all, and frankly, you can sort the situation faster.
But when we rush to solve, we rob our kids of the chance to learn how things are done.
Psychologists call stepping back and letting them take the lead “scaffolding”. The idea is to support just enough for them to figure it something out for themselves. Instead of fixing, try asking: “What do you think you could do?” “What’s one small step you could take?” “What do you think the next step should be?”
It’s slower, much slower, than outright telling them what to do. But this approach builds problem-solving muscles they’ll need their entire life. It also builds critical thinking skills, which are basically the new backbone of employment, so that’s good too.
Read this too: 10 non-negotiable things tweens need from their parents
2. Stop organising their lives
If you’re the keeper of the school schedule, sports gear, permission slips, sports timetable and friend birthday calendar, it’s time for a management handover.
Tweens can absolutely take ownership here and you can demote yourself to an ‘assistant’ role instead.
Executive function skills, things like planning, organisation and time management, are still developing in this age group. But they develop through practice, not observation and certainly not by coasting along while Mum makes all the arrangements.
Set up a shared Google calendar (instructions here), show them how to use it and then let natural consequences do their thing. That means, if something gets missed, it’s missed. A couple of misses like that and they’ll become much better at scheduling their time and setting up reminders quick smart.
3. Stop doing all the household jobs
It’s quicker to do it yourself, we all know this. Waiting for a tween to stack the dishwasher can feel like watching a sloth eat a carrot. Just eat the damn carrot, sloth!
So while it may be tempting to just get in there and stack the damn dishwasher yourself, hold back. Research from Harvard shows that letting kids skip housework actually does them a disservice. Kids who do regular chores develop stronger responsibility and a greater sense of competence. They see themselves as someone who can capably contribute, not just someone who needs to be looked after’.
A slightly questionable dishwasher load is a small price to pay for a capable human.
4. Stop managing their friendships
Tween friendships can be intense. One day they’re inseparable, the next it’s all tears and cold shoulders.
More on this: 8 rules for surviving Year 5 friendships (for you and your kid)
It’s hard to watch and it’s even harder not to intervene.
But social skills, negotiation, empathy, conflict resolution and more are learned through experience. When we step in too quickly, we interrupt that learning.
That doesn’t mean leaving the kids to flounder. You can listen, validate and gently guide them through it – asking the “What do you think” questions outlined above, for example. Just resist the urge to message another parent or orchestrate a resolution behind the scenes.
5. Stop speaking for them
Ordering at a café, answering questions from adults, explaining their behaviour, repeating what they say when they mumble.
We do it all the time.
When we speak for our tweens, we unintentionally send the message that they shouldn’t – or even can’t – speak for themselves. On the flip side, giving them space to use their voice, even if it’s a bit awkward, builds confidence.
If this is something you’re regularly guilty of doing, it’s gonna take some time. The key is to pause before jumping in and… … … … … … … that pause should be longer than you’re comfortable with.
Start with low-stakes situations, like letting them order their own food or answer questions directed at them, and ease into it.
6. Stop rescuing them from discomfort
This one is tough. No one likes seeing their child uncomfortable, whether that’s due to boredom, disappointment or a tricky situation.
But discomfort is where growth happens.
Psychologists talk about “distress tolerance”, the ability to sit with uncomfortable feelings without immediately trying to escape them. And it’s a key part of resilience.
If we constantly smooth the path, we don’t give our kids the chance to build tolerance. Instead, we teach them that being uncomfortable for even a second is something to be avoided at all costs. And when you can’t get comfortable with being uncomfortable, it’s really hard to grow.
Instead of fixing, try naming the feeling: “That sounds really frustrating.” Then simply hold space, you don’t need to solve it. Again, the asking is useful here: “What do you think you could do to make that feel better?” and “What could you do to sit with that if it can’t be changed?”
7. Stop overpraising everything
We’ve all been told to build our kids’ confidence, and praise feels like the obvious way to do it.
But not all praise is created equal.
Research suggests that process-based praise, focusing on effort, strategy and persistence, is far more effective than blanket “you’re amazing” praise. Though, by all means, throw in a regular “you’re amazing” as well.
Tweens are particularly good at spotting insincerity and being overpraised can actually make them doubt your feedback. So swap things like “You’re so clever” for “You really stuck with that, even when it got tricky.” Compliments like that feel believable because they hinge on facts. It’s the kind of praise that’s likely to build a genuine sense of self-worth.
8. Stop managing their screen time entirely
Before you throw your phone at me, this doesn’t mean letting them loose on Minecraft for 12 hours straight. I’m a massive ‘screen-free’ advocate, so I’m never going to be one for unlimited ‘you do you’ screen time.
But when we’re the sole enforcer of every boundary, kids don’t learn to regulate themselves. Self-regulation is a skill, and like any skill, it needs practice.
Talk about why boundaries exist and agree on expectations and limits together.
More on this: Boundaries and teens: how to set limits without losing your mind (or your kid)
It won’t be perfect, but shifting some responsibility to them helps build awareness and accountability over time.
9. Stop doing everything “for their own good” without explanation
Tweens are starting to question the world. They want to understand the why behind decisions. They’re also becoming more aware that their parents aren’t the infallible superheros they once thought they were. It’s a bummer, but we were going to get found out eventually…
As a result, a flat “because I said so” simply doesn’t land the way it used to.
Instead, when you explain your reasoning, you’re modelling critical thinking and respect. You’re also showing them how to weigh up decisions, not just follow instructions.
This doesn’t mean negotiating everything – god knows, that would kills us all. Just bring them into the logistical thinking a little and show them how their requests fit into the bigger life picture.
10. Stop underestimating them
Let’s end with the big one.
It’s easy to keep seeing our kids as younger than they are and assume they can’t handle something yet. We want to step in, ‘just in case’ because they’re our babies. Our tiny, darling little babies.
But tweens are far more capable than we give them credit for.
When we raise the bar, gently and supportively, they usually rise to meet it.
Psychologist Albert Bandura’s work on self-efficacy shows that people build confidence by successfully doing things themselves. Not by watching someone else do it for them.
Every time your tween does something independently, no matter how small, they’re building that belief in themselves. Which is basically the solid-gold end-game of being a parent in the first place.
Feature image by RDNE Stock project; tennis girl by RDNE Stock project; boy speaking by cottonbro studio; boys on screen by Tima Miroshnichenko
