If you’re parenting a kid with depression and ADHD, you probably already know this: it doesn’t just affect your child. It impacts on the whole family.
By Kate
When my eldest daughter was little, she was the loudest kid in the room. Funny, cheeky, always climbing something she shouldn’t. She’d start dance routines in the middle of Woolies and talk to random strangers like they were long-lost cousins. Exhausting? Yep. Gorgeous? Also yep.
Now she barely leaves her room.
Some days I hear her crying through the wall and freeze because I genuinely don’t know what to say anymore.
I didn’t understand what depression and ADHD looked like
A few years ago, I didn’t understand what teenage depression and ADHD in girls could actually look like. I thought depression meant sadness all the time. I thought ADHD was hyper little boys bouncing off classroom walls. I didn’t know anyone could have both of these mental health diagnoses at the same time.
I really did have absolutely no clue.
At our house, teenage depression looks like anger, exhaustion and complete withdrawal. ADHD looks like forgotten homework, emotional explosions, chaos, anxiety and feeling constantly overwhelmed. Together? It’s brutal.
My daughter struggles to get to school. She’ll panic before class, sleep all afternoon and stay awake all night scrolling TikTok. She’s stopped showering properly, stopped seeing her friends, basically she’s stopped believing anything good about herself.
Which means I’ve stopped believing I’m a good mother too. Like they say, you’re only as happy as your least happy child.
The guilt nearly destroyed me
I reckon one of the hardest parts of parenting a kid with both depression and ADHD is the guilt. You replay their entire childhood in your head trying to figure out where you went wrong.
- Did I work too much?
- Was I too strict?
- Too distracted?
- Too soft?
- Did I miss signs early signs of depression?
- Did I somehow cause this?
You torture yourself looking for answers because having someone to blame almost feels easier than accepting your child is hurting and you can’t magically fix it.
The helplessness nearly flattens me, if I’m honest.
Watching your child struggle is heartbreaking
When your kid breaks a bone, there’s a process. You go to hospital, they fix it, everyone signs the cast and life moves forward.
Teen mental health doesn’t work like that.
One psychologist says one thing, the school says another and social media tells your kid something completely different. Half the time my daughter doesn’t even want help because depression has convinced her that nobody understands her anyway.
And honestly, ADHD and depression together really is a punch in the guts. ADHD makes organisation, motivation and emotional regulation harder. Depression then swoops in and tells them they’re lazy, useless or failing at life because they can’t keep up. It’s a vicious cycle that just goes around and around and watching your child go through it is heartbreaking.
The impact on the rest of the family
Oh, and by the way, another thing I dropped the ball no was not noticing how much his sister’s mental health issues affect our son, too.
Nobody really talks much about what happens to the sibling of a child with mental illness. I am guilty of not giving it enough consideration, that’s for sure.
My son became confused and frustrated. He couldn’t understand why his sister got extra attention, why she exploded over small things or why the atmosphere in our house changed depending on what kind of day she was having.
He even started copying some of her behaviour. Giving it more attitude and having his own try at school refusal. There was a lot more swearing, again, mimicking the way his sister talks to me. What he was really saying was that he needed attention too.
Our whole family needed support
At some point, it finally hit me that this wasn’t just about supporting our struggling child. We had to support the entire family as a whole.
Now my husband takes our son out every Saturday morning, just the two of them. I make more effort to spend one-on-one time with him too, even if it’s just a quick drive or takeaway hot chips at the beach after work.
We also talk openly to him about mental health now. Like explaining that his sister’s behaviour isn’t “acceptable”, but that she’s dealing with real mental health challenges and learning healthier ways to cope. And asking him how her behaviour affects him and what we might be able to do about it.
I definitely apologise more than I used to.
I used to think apologising to kids somehow weakened your authority, but it turns out it builds their trust. I’ve apologised for yelling, for missing things and for being emotionally exhausted. I’ve apologised for getting things wrong, for not noticing enough and for dropping the ball.
What we’re doing to help our daughter
As for helping my daughter, we’re trying everything we can.
- Psychologists
- GP appointments
- Medication
- School support plans
- Better routines
- Less pressure
- More connection
Constant reminders that she’s loved, especially when she’s pushing everyone away. And I try to get in there with a hug as much as she’ll let me. Contact is so important to every teen, especially the ones doing it tough.
I’ve learned that shame doesn’t help and punishment alone doesn’t either. Setting strong boundaries matter, absolutely, but she already carries so much self-hatred that I’ve needed to be extra careful here. I often release those boundaries if I think she needs the win.
What my daughter needs most is support, consistency and connection, even when she makes that incredibly hard. Some days we get it right, some days we absolutely don’t.
Some days we survive, some days we don’t
There are mornings I sit on the edge of her bed trying to convince her to face the day while secretly trying not to cry myself. I just want to crawl back into my own bed and pretend everything is hunky dory, but instead I rally and bring the sunshine in an effort to get her moving.
If I can make her laugh, I know I’m almost there. Those moments where she suddenly laughs at something ridiculous and I see flashes of the kid she used to be.
They are the moments that keep me going.
I think I’ve had to grieve the version of motherhood I thought I’d have. I imagined carefree teen years shopping with my daughter and her friends. Lovely family dinners and easy conversations around the kitchen bench. Stuff like that.
I didn’t imagine dealing with terrifying panic attacks, ongoing school refusal, endless medication reviews and nights where I’m lying awake listening to make sure my daughter was okay.
But that’s the reality and that’s just the way it is.
What I wish other parents knew sooner
If you’re parenting a teenager with depression and ADHD, or any mental health struggle, I really want you to hear something it took me a very long time to learn: your child’s mental illness is not proof you failed as a parent. It’s not proof you’re failing at life.
I know now that sometimes deeply loved kids just struggle and even the closest family might end up in survival mode for a while.
And somehow, despite all of it, we just keep showing up…
If your teenager is struggling with depression, ADHD or mental health challenges, support is available through your GP, school counsellor or mental health services including Headspace, Beyond Blue and Lifeline.
Kate asked to remain anonymous to protect her daughter’s identity.
Feature image and girl at window by Dương Nhân
