10 signs you’re the entire family’s emotional sherpa

1. You know everyone’s feelings, but no one knows yours

You’re deeply attuned to every eye twitch, sigh and slam of a cupboard door. You know when your partner’s work stress is creeping in, when your teen’s friendship group is shifting, and when the youngest is on the brink of a meltdown. But when someone asks how you are, your brain goes blank. Because no one ever does.

2. You’re the family’s default therapist

From mediating sibling squabbles to deciphering cryptic teen texts (“He said ‘k’… is that bad?”), you’re always stepping in to soothe, explain, and fix. You’re the official cheerer-upper, bad-mood diffuser and grief sponge. This is mental load of an emotional kind and it’s exhausting.

3. You pre-empt everyone’s needs like a psychic octopus

You buy the ‘right’ snacks without being asked, you know who needs a cuddle (and who needs to be left alone), and you’ve already texted your mother-in-law before your husband realises it’s her birthday. You anticipate and manage the mood of the household like it’s your part-time job. (Except it’s not. It’s full-time. And it’s unpaid.)

4. Your nervous system is always on high alert

You can’t relax until everyone else is okay. Even then, you stay braced for the next emotional emergency. Stop! This constant hypervigilance can lead to burnout, anxiety, and even physical symptoms.

5. You apologise on behalf of everyone

Did your partner say something abrupt? You smooth it over. Did your kid accidentally hurt a friend’s feelings? You’re drafting the text before they’ve even noticed. You feel responsible for managing everyone’s impressions and experiences and you’re second-guessing stuff before it even happens.

6. You say “it’s fine” when it absolutely isn’t

You absorb disappointments, ignore slights, and suck up irritations because it’s “just easier” than dealing with the fallout. Your needs often come last, or not at all, because conflict feels like another job on your to-do list.

7. You worry for other people

Your tee  shrugs off their failed exam? You lie awake wondering if it’ll ruin their future. Your partner is unusually quiet? You spiral into worst-case scenarios. You’re carrying other people’s emotions and sometimes their responsibilities too.

8. You’re the family’s emotional memory bank

You remember who’s allergic to what, who fell out with who, which topic to avoid around Aunt Jean, and how to talk your kid through performance anxiety before footy. You carry the family history, sensitivities and social choreography in your already-full brain. This is the mental load in all it’s niggly, adminy, nit-picky glory.

9. You constantly downplay your own stress

You’re “just tired”, “just had a big week”, “just need a moment”. In fact, you’re always minimising your own feelings to make space for everyone else’s. Even your closest people might not know when you’re struggling, because you never give them a chance to see.

10. You’re the ‘calm one’ (until you’re absolutely not)

You’re so good at being the family rock that no one notices the tiny cracks forming until you snap. And then everyone’s shocked because “Mum never loses it!” Except when she absolutely does, because she’s human. And carrying everyone’s emotional stuff is just so heavy.

So… how do you put all the bags down?

The first thing to know? You’re not alone. Every mum carries the invisible, emotional workload for their families to some degree. Every single one of us is an emotional sherpa for our darlings. We’ve been talking about the mental and emotional load of mothering forever now. We all nod and smile and chuckle “that’s meeee”, but we haven’t yet come up with a way to better distribute the load.

Unfortunately, I haven’t either (sorry!). BUT I do have a few thoughts on how we can at least start to unpack the emotional bags.

1. Start naming the load

Awareness is step one. Start calling out what you’re doing out loud. “I notice I’m always the one checking in with the kids about their friendships.” Or “I realised I’ve been managing our emotional household like a full-time job.” Once you acknowledge when you’re in sherpa mode, you can shift it.

2. Make your feelings known

Let your family know when you’re having a rough day and ask for help. We need to model emotional openness, not just manage it. This teaches our kids that vulnerability is a strength, not weakness. And let’s them know we need help, even if we’re not yet sure exactly what we need.

3. Redistribute the weight

You don’t have to go cold turkey and drop the bags completely but you can start asking others to carry their share. Teens can check in with father, teachers, friends, grandparents, other siblings. Your partner can do the morning and evening mood-check. It’s not all on you.

4. Set emotional boundaries

It’s not unkind to protect your energy. In fact, it’s essential. Say no when needed and let natural consequences unfold. You’re not robbing anyone of love, you’re giving them autonomy and resilience.

5. See a professional… for you

If you’ve been everyone’s counsellor for years, it might be time you had one of your own. Therapy or coaching can help you offload the load, build healthy patterns, and figure out what your needs are these days. Start by having a chat with your GP about how you’re feeling and what you’re needing.

Being the emotional sherpa is often done out of love. But love doesn’t mean martyrdom. In fact, being the one who steps away from the emotions might just be the most loving thing you ever do — for both your family and yourself.

So go on. Unclip those straps. Stretch your shoulders. Let someone else carry the snacks, the worries, and the “what ifs” for a while. We’ve earned the break…. We’ve been earning the break for a looooooong time.