Clinical psychologist Dr Jari Evertsz knows that parenting teens can feel like navigating a silent, stormy sea. In this expert piece, drawn from her book The Well-Behaved Teenager (and Other Myths), Jari offers calm, practical strategies for creating a more cooperative, respectful family culture – without the lectures, the drama or the power struggles.
By Dr Jari Evertsz
If you have a teenager in your family, you might feel quite bamboozled by their refusal to communicate. Where has the happy, chatty kid gone? Teenagers are not only influenced by their peer culture, they are also under a lot of different pressures that they are poorly equipped to cope with. So, what can we do to help build a healthier family culture dynamic?
1. Stop the lectures
You know, those times when an “explanation” or “a talk” becomes wordy. It’ll be poorly listened to. Instead, suspend your interaction. Do not follow, respond, or harass. Then at a time when you are both in the same space and there is some form of activity happening (eg. washing dishes, cooking, clearing up), briefly state your dilemma.
For example: “I’ve noticed that your homework’s not going in and you don’t seem to be as happy with English and Maths. Please pick either me, Dad or Pa to talk to about it, as it’s not going to go away.” Or: “I really depend on your help to empty the dishwasher every day because I’ve got to cook as soon as I get in from work. Can you manage this, love?”
over 20 years of experience to guide families through the chaos
of adolescence—and out the other side.
2. Don’t contribute to escalation
Instead, stay where you are and leave them to depart in a huff. Make no comment. But at a time of your choosing, let them know briefly that it’s not okay to call people names in your house and next time there’ll be a consequence – but if they are not feeling okay, can they find a way to let you know?
Helpful: Goodbye angry mum: How I overcame my anger and stopped the yelling
3. Address issues at the appropriate time
When something has gone wrong, the principle of letting them go and addressing it at a time that is ideal for you is very valuable. When you talk with them, remember to speak quietly and with full respect. But don’t waver.
You can also take time to consider thoughtfully what the consequence should be. It does not have to be completely predictable and you do not have to let them know in advance what it will be, as different things suit each different week’s situation.
The main thing is to keep it entirely fair and base it either upon your relationship with them (eg. “You called me a nasty name so I don’t feel I want to give you $20 this time, sorry.”) Or, you can emphasise the teaching element (eg. “Dad needs to do 3 trips to the tip and you will need to help him for all of Saturday.”)
4. Stagger the chores
To build a culture of co-operation and care, regular chores for each child in the family are essential. Try not to just ask them to do things on the spur of the moment – they are bound to be ‘busy’.
Instead, give each child 2 or 3 daily chores and a couple each week. That way it is clear if they have or haven’t been done. Also, don’t patronise children with this as they are much more able than you may think. A child of 9, for instance, is quite capable of making a very good cup of coffee on their own.
I usually recommend that all children from age 14½ start cooking one meal each week for the family. Yes, there will be disasters and mess at first, but this achieves several things. It will build skills and engage their thoughtfulness as they consider family members’ dietary needs and food allergies. They will soon get bored with making the same stir-fry and so are likely to start reading recipes and trying out new meals.
It’s also very hard for a teenager to give you the silent treatment when they need to meet with you every week to share the menu and discuss ingredients, checking with you that those are alright for your budget.
5. Encourage intergenerational commitments
A loving family culture extends beyond the front door. Incorporate a regular commitment for your teenager that features involvement with different generations, along with a helping element. This might be doing 3 hours a week at the local foodbank; having duties each Sunday at the footy club canteen; delivering care packages to local people with a volunteer agency; or helping make the morning tea every week at church.
Build your new dynamic
If you can manage to stop the lectures, never contribute to escalation, speak quietly and with respect when you have sorted out your feelings, provide fair and realistic consequences for transgressions, and involve your teenagers in regular helping both within and outside the home, you might be surprised at the return of your (now taller and bigger) sweet-natured child from younger years!
Jari Evertsz is a Melbourne-based clinical psychologist and author of The Well-Behaved Teenager (and Other Myths), now available in ebook and paperback from inspiringbookshop.com, Amazon, and all good bookshops.
Feature image Photo by Julia M Cameron; teen doing chores by Meruyert Gonullu
