The stats say it matters… so much
- 1 in 10 LGBTQ+ youth have experienced physical assault in the past year simply for being who they are.
- LGBTIQ+ young people are 4½ times more likely to face domestic or family violence than older peers.
- Lesbian, gay and bisexual Australians are 3 times more likely to experience depression, and twice as likely to experience anxiety, compared to heterosexual peers.
These numbers aren’t just statistics, they signal real pain and it’s enough to break your heart. But all the indications are that loving family acceptance and support significantly buffer these risks.
Recognising the journey of coming out
For many teens, coming out is less a one-time speech and more a slow unveiling. Damien Nguyen – an 22‑year‑old Mardi Gras board member – explained in The Guardian that it was more like “three to four years” of gradually stepping into visibility.
Jasmine, mum of 15‑year‑old Riley*, shares:
“When Riley first said, ‘Mum, can we talk?’ my heart leapt – was this a question about exams or… something else? When they said they were pan, I admit I had to ask what that meant. We had a really good talk about it all, but I don’t think I felt anything other than curious. I was just so proud that Riley felt they could share it with me.”
Alison, mum of 21-year-old Amon, says:
“This may sound weird, but I can’t actually remember Amon ‘coming out’ to me. I think we just always knew he was gay and it wasn’t ever a thing until he hit high school. Then the bullying started and it was horrendous. I have never felt so angry and powerless in my life. It eats away at you every single day. We are still picking up the pieces from it all, but Amon is standing strong and proud… so fuck those bullies, right?”
Clare, mum of 17-year-old Lyssa*, says:
“Lyssa brought a girl home for dinner in Year 8 and we just assumed it was a friend. They made a big announcement after we said grace, I think something like ‘Just so you know, we are a couple and we’re in love’ and I snort laughed. Not at the ‘couple’ bit, but at the ‘in love’ big – year 8! My husband was not on board with any of it and actually tried to send Lyssa to her room at that moment. We genuinely laugh about how badly we handled the whole thing now. But I reckon we scarred Lyssa for life. It took a long time for her to open up to us about her love life again and I deeply regret that.”
Creating safe spaces at home and in the community
A safe space is literally anywhere your teen can breathe deeply: no judgement, just belonging. That may be the family kitchen, their room, or a more public space:
- School clubs: Programs like Safe Schools Coalition Australia show that schools with formal LGBTQIA+ support see reduced bullying and better student wellbeing. My kids’ high school has ‘GLUB’ that meets weekly and everyone is welcome.
- Community groups: Explore the QDirectory to find local support and friendship groups.
- Peer‑led groups: Organisations like Minus18, Queerspace Youth and Transcend Australia offer teen‑centred social and support meet‑ups.
Kieran*, 17 and non‑binary, recalls their first GLUB session:
“I walked in feeling so impostery because at the time I just had no idea where I belonged. Ten minutes later, I was sharing memes and my crush story.”
Bobby*, 15 and gay, has found true friends through a local support group:
“It’s the first time I’ve ever really been able to open up and be myself. I consider the friends I’ve made there to be my first true friends. I’m not out at school and I spend a lot of time pretending to be into things I don’t understand. It takes a lot out of me and I will be ready to come out soon. My friends will support me through it.”
Joe*, 22 and gay found his biggest supporter was unexpectedly his father:
“I came out to my friends at school first and they were pretty good about it all. I’d been giving off hints for months, so I don’t think it was a surprise. I waited months before I came out to my family. My mum had a hissy fit about the fact that I didn’t tell her first… which wasn’t helpful. My dad was the one I was most afraid to tell. He’s a real man’s man, rules the roost at both home and work. I was genuinely terrified to tell him and decided to do it on my own after the way mum had acted. In the end, he just said ‘You are who we made you, I guess’ and then didn’t say much else… I thought I was in for the silent treatment forever. Next minute, he’s bought new rainbow Blundstone boots and is down at the pub proudly telling all the boys that his son’s gay and he’s an ally. Unexpectedly delicious is how I’d describe that reaction. To this day he’s my number one supporter and has even been on a Mardi Gras float in a tutu.”
Angel*, 19 and gay valued her mother’s support when her dad was unaccepting:
“My dad’s family are very strictly religious and while he’s not as into it I think the main reason he won’t acknowledge my sexuality is that background. He’s worried about what his family thinks. So he just doesn’t ever mention it and would have tried to hide it if it wasn’t for mum. She basically did a ring-round to let everyone know and had the attitude of ‘If you don’t accept Angel’s identity then you don’t accept me’. I loved that so much.”
What parents can do
Being an ally means more than hanging a rainbow flag. It means showing up, speaking up, editing your language and occasionally removing your foot.
Adi, mum of 18‑year‑old Ethan*, remembers the day he came out as gay:
“He was having some friendship issues with one of his oldest friends and I asked, ‘So is there a girl involved?’ He said, ‘Mum, I’m gay, there are no girls involved!’ Just like that. I was genuinely shocked as I had no idea and it truly made me question every aspect of being his mother. How did I not know?!”
Mistakes are part of the process. What matters is that you’re learning, asking questions (“What would help you feel safe?”) and correcting yourself sincerely (“I slipped up, thanks for teaching me”).
I have a non-binary, transitioning friend at work who I frequently misgender like the old person that I am. I try really hard to get their pronouns right, but the grammar nerd in me can’t seem to get my brain across a ‘they’ for a singular person. I know, right?
Lucky for me, Taylor is genuinely okay with my fumbling and we have a laugh together. I am so happy that we can openly talk about our experiences navigating differences.
Another story for you: my son Max had a friend in Year 7 who was figuring things out. One day they preferred being Oliver*, the next Sarah.* I found it all so confusing and asked Max, “How do you know what name to call them each day?” and he said, “I ask.” And, honestly, I have never felt so schooled.
Our kids, they just get it right, don’t they?
Jodie, who is gay and mum to Iggy*, 13, who identifies as queer, says:
“I understand that parents might not think it’s their ‘business’ to get involved in LGBTQIA+ parental groups, but take it from someone who has been on both sides of coming up: it matters to your kid that you so visibly care. The biggest issue I went through as a teen was self-acceptance and the only way I could get that was through feeling accepted in the wider community. My mum and dad weren’t there for me and it hurt me a great deal. Iggy is just starting to question their sexuality and gender identity and you better believe I am there for them every step of the way.”
Learning to listen
We really just want to love our kids through wherever they are at at any given time. It can be hard when they don’t want to open up to us, but remember that they are figuring things out as they go along. We need to give them the space to find their own way, with the knowledge that we are here if they need a safe space to land.
How can we offer support without overdoing it? Here are some tips for staying open, curious and non-judgemental:
- Listen with calm curiosity. Let your teen lead. Ask gentle questions like “Tell me about your week” or ““Is there anything on your mind today?” or What was the best part of your day today?”
- Learn together. Read trusted resources (see above), attend LGBTQIA+ community or school events (hello, Wear It Purple Day), reach out to support groups and friendship clubs.
- Normalise, normalise, normalise. Celebrate their identity like any other part of who they are.
- Use humour wisely. When you slip up? Laugh. Apologise. Move on.
- Check in often. A quick, “Want to chat?” shows you’re there, even on a typical Tuesday.
Leanne, mum of 16‑year‑old Tayla*, says, “We have a code word: ‘Pineapple?’ If either of us texts it, it means ‘Need a solid chat now.’ Works every time.”
Zara*, 15, queer and questioning: “When Mum asked to join me at a school LGBTQIA+ info session, I nearly died of embarrassment. But she came, said ‘I see you’ in front of everyone, and I didn’t die, I was actually really proud.”
Niamh, 18, trans non‑binary: “Dad tried to use my name early on and got it so wrong – I mean he didn’t even pronounce it right. Now, he uses it perfectly, and I just laugh ’cause he’s trying. His effort means everything, it really does.”
Jodie, who is gay and mother to a queer child: “My parents refused to listen when I tried to come out to them. To this day it is a conversation we have never had, even though I am married with 2 children. They didn’t come to my wedding. they didn’t acknowledge my children’s births. We’re not exactly estranged, but we hang in there by a thread and the relationship is not rich at all. I could never, ever want that with my own children. I want to love them for exactly who they are.”
Read this too: Parenting styles: Why being a ‘conscious parent’ matters
Allyship beyond the home
It’s not just about showing up for your child at home (though that’s the most important part and it’s enough if that’s all you can manage). If you have capacity, you can truly show acceptance by standing up for them – and other LGBTQIA+ kids too – at school, in your community and beyond.
Whether you’re correcting misinformation, helping others learn the right language, joining a march or protest, or simply making sure your child is safe and seen wherever they go, your advocacy can be a powerful force for change.
While it may feel daunting at first, just being willing to raise your voice is the first step.
- At school: Ask about LGBTQIA+ inclusion policies, curriculum, anti‑bullying measures, safe spaces and events like a Wear It Purple Day assembly, refer your school to the resources at Student Wellbeing Hub.
- In the community: Volunteer at local queer events, add your voice to a protest march, join a community club or start your own if there isn’t any representation. attend Mardi Gras.
- Workplace: If you’re a teacher or employer, push for inclusive training.
Join a parents’ support or advocacy group:
Allyship isn’t a moment in time, it’s a lifelong commitment to support your child. Your teen’s journey may be smooth or rocky; they may open up or they won’t; they may need you every step of the way or want to do it their own way. Whatever they need, our job is to listen, support, guide and advocate. In the end, what truly matters is that we are there and our heart is open and full.
Where to seek support
- Qlife – National, anonymous peer support by chat/call: 1800 184 527 or webchat (3pm–12am AEST)
- Minus18 – Youth‑oriented programs, events and education
- Transcend Australia – Family support for trans/gender diverse youth
- Queerspace Youth – Peer‑led events for 16-25 year‑olds
- LGBTIQ+ Health Australia – National hub
- Safe Schools Coalition Australia – School inclusion support
- True / Intersex Peer Support Australia – Intersex peer support
- Transgender Victoria – Resources and advocacy
- Headspace – Mental health and LGBTQIA+ youth support
*Names changed.
Feature image by Alexander Grey; parade by Tristan B.
