Confidence can seem like one of those magical qualities you’re either born with or you’re not.
We’ve all met people who appear to glide through adolescence. They put their hand up in class, happily join a new sports team or dance class, chat to adults without hesitation, get picked for everything and somehow seem completely unfazed by what everyone else thinks.
Then there are the kids who second-guess everything. They worry about saying the wrong thing, avoid trying new activities, won’t speak up and assume everyone is judging them far more than they actually are. These kids are definitely in the majority.
But because the gliders exist, it’s easy to conclude that some people are simply “naturally confident”.
But confidence isn’t a personality type, it’s a skill we have to learn. Like cooking, public speaking or learning to drive, it grows through knowledge, experience, practise and support. Some people catch on quickly, others are slow burners who take their time.
As parents, we can’t ‘give’ our teenagers confidence, but we can absolutely help create the conditions where it grows.
What is confidence?
You can google for a ‘proper’ definition, but I like to think of confidence as fundamentally having trust that you can cope with whatever happens.
Notice that it isn’t believing you’ll be successful, or that you’re better than anyone else, or even that you’ll always have the answers. Just that, whatever happens, you’ll figure out what to do.
A confident person still feels nervous before an exam. They still worry before trying out for the school musical or introducing themselves to new people. They might even fret sometimes about putting their hand up in class.
The difference is they believe they’ll be okay, even if things don’t go perfectly.
Real confidence sounds like:
- “I might not be good at this yet, but I can learn”
- “This feels awkward, but I can handle uncomfortable”
- “If I make a mistake, I’ll recover”
- “Whatever happens, I’ll be okay”
Developing an “I can figure it out” mindset helps teens become more resilient, adaptable and willing to take healthy risks throughout life.
Why are some teens naturally more confident?
Some people do seem to arrive in the world with a naturally bolder temperament.
Confidence can be influenced by personality, early experiences, parenting, friendships and environment.
Kids who experience encouragement, secure relationships and opportunities to solve problems independently from a young age often develop stronger self-belief over time.
Meanwhile, teens who have experienced bullying, perfectionism, anxiety or repeated criticism may find confidence harder to build.
Social media hasn’t exactly helped either.
Today’s teenagers constantly compare themselves against carefully edited versions of other people’s lives, making it easy to believe everyone else is more attractive, talented, popular or successful.
The important thing to remember is that confidence isn’t fixed.
It’s constantly changing and can grow at any age.
Quiet confidence versus performative confidence
One of the biggest misconceptions about confidence is that it’s ‘loud’.
We often picture confident people as outgoing, funny, charismatic and always centre stage. But that’s only one version.
Some of the most confident people you’ll ever meet are quietly self-assured.
They don’t need to dominate conversations or prove they’re the smartest person in the room. They aren’t constantly seeking validation.
They simply trust themselves and get on with things.
On the other hand, excessive bravado can sometimes mask insecurity. The person who always has to be the funniest, loudest or most impressive person in the room may actually be relying on external validation to feel okay.
Remind your teen that real confidence that comes from within doesn’t need to be loud and it doesn’t need an audience.
12 ways to help your teen build confidence
1. Praise effort, not talent
Instead of saying, “You’re so clever,” try, “I noticed how hard you worked on that.”
This teaches teenagers that growth comes through effort rather than fixed ability. It helps them see challenges as something they can work through, not proof they aren’t good enough.
How to help your child develop a growth mindset
2. Let them struggle a little
As parents, it’s incredibly tempting to rescue our kids the second things get uncomfortable.
But confidence grows every time we encourage our kids to solve problems for themselves. That doesn’t mean abandoning them, just supporting rather than rescuing.
Let’s stop trying to fix things before they even happen
3. Encourage them to try things they’re not immediately good at
Confidence isn’t built by wallowing inside comfort zones.
Whether it’s learning guitar, joining a sports team or getting a casual job, new experiences teach teenagers something incredibly valuable: “I can survive feeling awkward.” That’s a life-changing lesson at any age.
4. Help them notice their strengths
Many teens are experts at spotting their weaknesses, rarely giving themselves credit when they get something right.
Help shift the balance by regularly pointing out strengths they’ve overlooked. Perhaps they’re funny, kind, reliable, creative, curious, patient or a great listener.
5 strengths-based parenting tips to help you focus on the good
5. Stop trying to eliminate failure
Failure isn’t the opposite of confidence – avoiding failure is.
If we can teach them anything, let it be this: mistakes and failure are just part of learning and growing. So talk openly about your own mistakes and less-than stellar moments so your kids can see that setbacks are normal and survivable. Good things so often come from our failures and very good things always come from having a go in the first place.
6. Give them real responsibility
Nothing builds confidence like feeling trusted. We often stop our kids having a go at things because life is busy and our routines are operating on a very tight schedule. But we need to stop it.
Cooking dinner, managing their own calendar, scheduling their own homework time, getting themselves to school, looking after younger siblings or even planning part of a family holiday all send a powerful message: “You are capable.”
Plus, they are all necessary life skills that are best taught early and well.
7. Watch how you talk about yourself
Teenagers notice far more than we realise. If they constantly hear us criticise our appearance, apologise for taking up space or doubt our own abilities, they’ll often learn to do the same.
Model the kind of self-talk you’d like them to develop. If you need help with that, book in with your GP/psychologist/counsellor to talk strategies. We have to fix ourselves first.
8. Encourage healthy friendships
Healthy friendships help us feel seen, valued and safe enough to be ourselves. Confidence grows around people who accept us.
This is never more important than when we are in the awkward teen stage, our true selves just emerging, our independence blossoming and our insecurities flying high.
If your teen has friends who constantly criticise, exclude or undermine them (see: Frenemies), their confidence will inevitably take a hit. Model what ‘true’ friendship looks like – including being vulnerable, supportive and there for the tough times as well as the good.
How to help your teen be a good friend
9. Let them make age-appropriate decisions
Confidence comes from the responsibility of deciding your own path and living with the outcomes. Support your child to choose what suits them best: Year 9 electives, Year 11 subjects, manage their own spending money, organise social plans or decide how they’ll approach assignments.
Any and every opportunity they have to think independently and take charge of their own lives should help develop confidence and improved self-worth.
10. Celebrate progress, not perfection
This is not something that happens overnight from one life-changing event (although, perhaps that’s true for some). Instead, confidence is built through hundreds of tiny wins, like speaking up for the first time in class, having a difficult conversation, sending an email they were nervous about, booking an appointment, trying out for a team or walking into the party even though they felt anxious.
Open up the opportunity for small wins as much as possible. There are plenty of ideas here: 101 life skills every kid needs before they leave home.
11. Help them find something that’s theirs
One of the fastest ways to build confidence is becoming genuinely interested in something. Maybe something that isn’t on the radar of anyone else you currently know…
Sport, art, coding, cooking, music, photography, volunteering, drama… all can give teens a place to develop competence and identity. And it’s often much easier to do so when you’re super into something and you’re away from your regular routine.
When we develop confidence in one area, that confidence often spills into other parts of life too.
How to help your tween make friends outside school
12. Remind them that confidence follows action
This may be the most important lesson of all. Many people think they need to feel confident before trying something. But it usually works the other way around.
We act first, then develop confidence as we keep going.
Find opportunities for your child to try new things, think outside the box and explore beyond their comfort zone. Every time they do something difficult, survive embarrassment or discover they can handle more than they expected, confidence naturally starts to bloom.
Feature imageby Rizky Sabriansyah; confident girl by Kobby Katalist; friends by cottonbro studio
