There’s a moment in parenting that most of us hit eventually. It tends to sneak up somewhere between packing school lunches, managing moods, remembering everything for everyone, trying to keep our own head above water and, you know, just doing all the things all the time.
But one day it really, truly hits you: you’re doing way too much and you have been doing it for way too long.
By this stage, we’re not new to parenting anymore. We know what we’re doing (mostly). We’ve got systems, routines and expectations in place and from the outside, it probably looks like we’re handling everything just fine.
But underneath, we’re tired. That bone-deep, always-on tired that comes from being the one at the bottom of the pyramid who holds it all together.
And still, we keep going. Because somewhere along the way, we picked up the idea that ‘good parents cope’. ‘Good’ parents stay on top of things, they don’t drop the ball, they “got this”. Right?
Except… good parents ask for help.
Good parents ask for help
I think the biggest lie we swallow as parents is that we’re supposed to be able to do this on our own. That if we were more organised, more chilled, more disciplined, more everything, we’d cope. But parenting is actually a team sport that somehow got marketed as a solo marathon.
Being a mum is relentless. You can do all the things, over and over, day after day after day after day after day and still feel like it’s not enough. You can love your kids more than your own life and still feel like you’re one tiny crumb away from sobbing in the pantry.
If you’re tired, overwhelmed, snappy, sad, angry anxious, or running on empty, this isn’t your sign to try even harder.
It’s your sign to ask for help.
Related: “Dear kids, it breaks my heart that some days I’m the worst part of your day”
First, the mindset shift that makes help possible
A lot of us don’t ask because we think help has to be big and dramatic. A formal arrangement that’s some kind of grand rescue.
But the help we need is often small and sometimes tiny. We’re talking a five-minute quick favour that stops those pantry tears from spilling.
Let’s stop thinking of asking for help as a ‘sign of weakness’ or ‘evidence that I’m not a good parent’ or ‘insert your own inner mean-girl monologue here’ and start treating it like part of good parenting. Because it is.
Reciprocity feels good
Think about it like this: how good does it make you feel to do someone else a favour? Really good, right? Well, I promise that’s how others feel when they get to do the same for you. Especially when they know you’ll be there for them when they need help too.
Overcoming fear of judgement
Ah yes, often it’s not the asking, but that creeping voice in your head that goes, “What will they think of me?” Will they think I’m not a good mum/capable person/shining star?
I’ve got some good news and some extra good news.
The good news is, most people are way too busy worrying about their own lives to be judging yours.
The extra good news is, if someone does judge you… they’re probably not your people and it’s unlikely you’d be asking them for help in the first place. Yeah?
Also, quick sanity-check: when another mum asks you for help, do you think less of her? Do you mentally write a big X on her parenting scorecard? Or decide she’s not worthy of your time or energy?
Of course you don’t. Instead you probably think, “Oh, you too? That was me last week. How can I help?”
Fact is, when we ask for help, we give other mums permission to ask too. We loosen the whole miserable, silent, “I’ve got this” grip we’re all pretending to have.
You don’t have to be at breaking point
Somewhere along the way we decided help is only for emergencies. Like you have to have a hand literally coming off in order to admit you can’t do something on your own.
It’s nonsense.
You can ask while things are still manageable, before the resentment builds, before you’re at your wits end. In fact, just before you need it is exactly the right time to ask for help.
Gather that village
I know, I know – asking for help feels like you’re imposing. Like you’re adding to someone else’s already full plate.
But this is literally how the whole thing works.
You help when you can; you ask when you need. It evens out over time in ways you don’t have to keep track of. This isn’t limited to a reciprocal thing between two people either. You can help one mum and then in turn a different mum helps you and then a third mum helps her and then… well, you get it. Helping comes around, it goes around and we’re all part of the network in ways that are truly magical.
Bonus: being part of the network means you raise kids who know that support is normal, people show up when you need them, and no one needs to ‘get through’ things on their own.
The many places you can ask for help
Okay, hopefully you’re now thinking “I could use some help and I’m going to ask for it”. Once you’re ready, there are so many people around you who would love to be there for you.
Ask your partner, co-parent, or ex
Even in the best relationships, one person is the default parent. And, let’s not kid ourselves, that’s usually the mum. I’ve learned to accept my fate as the “Keeper of the Mental Load”, but I’ve also learned to be the “Distributor of the Mental Load”.
For me that looks like this:
- “Can you be in charge of dinner every Sunday and Thursday? Properly in charge, including planning and shopping and all the rest. I don’t want to think about it.”
- “Can you own ensuring the kids up are in time for school in the mornings?”
- “Can we do a 10-minute nightly reset together so we’re not staring tomorrow on the back foot?”
- “You’re 100% in charge of bins, lawns, cars, dental visits and your parents – I’ll be doing nothing in regards to any of that.”
If you’re separated, I think help can still exist – some examples might be:
- Ask to swap a night when you really feel depleted
- Split admin tasks, not just custody time – and, barring actual neglect, let them manage their bit to their own standards
- Make one person responsible for school comms and extra-curriculars, the other for sport and medical arrangements
- Use a shared calendar and keep it functional and updated
Ask your kids, but be specific
Our kids aren’t babies anymore and they have capacity to help out their mothers far more than most of them do. And a lot of the time, that’s simply because we don’t ask. Or, at least, we’re not specific enough in our requests.
Ask them to ‘own’ part of daily life – like unpacking the dishwasher is entirely their job. Or cooking dinner on Tuesdays. Or emptying the bins. Or, you get the idea – there will be many, many tasks that you can choose from. The key is to give them entire responsibility and not step in unless things get really dire.
Ask grandparents, most do want to be there for you
Not every family is safe or supportive, I get it. But if you have someone who is generally good-hearted, you might be able to ask for something they can regularly help you with.
Grandparents often want to help but don’t know how, so be clear and make it easy. And yes, you might have to accept they’ll do it their way. If the kids are safe and you’re getting a break, that’s the win.:
- “Can you do school pickup Tuesdays for a month?”
- “Could you take the kids for a sleepover once a fortnight?”
- “Would you mind coming over for an hour a week while I do admin?”
- “Can you cook one extra meal when you cook and drop it over?”
Ask friends, especially the ones who say “let me know if you need anything”
They mean it, they’re just not sure what exactly you need. So give them a job:
- “Could you pick up my kids after school on Fridays/this Friday?”
- “Can we do a dinner swap once a week? Like, I’ll do double pasta on Mondays, you do double curry on Thursdays.”
- “Can we have a weekly movie night for the kids and time for us to chat?”
- “Can I call you tonight? I need to vent.”
Ask the school
Schools can’t fix everything, but they can do more than you think. Especially when you’re dealing with learning, behaviour, anxiety, friendship dramas, attendance, or a kid who is not coping:
- A meeting with the teacher, year coordinator, wellbeing team or school counsellor
- A learning support plan if needed
- A simple communication agreement, like “email me once a week, not daily”
- Strategies for routines, homework, transitions and friendship issues
- Referral pathways to services
If your gut is saying something’s up, don’t wait until it becomes a crisis. Ask early.
Ask your GP or a mental health professional
Sometimes the help you need isn’t more hands on deck, it’s mental health support. If you’re thinking, “it’s not bad enough for that”, it could be a sign you’ve normalised feeling awful. Remember, you don’t have to be at rock bottom to deserve help. Ask for:
- A mental health care assessment and plan from your GP
- Screening for post natal depression or anxiety (yes, even when your kid is far from being a baby anymore)
- Support for burnout
- Guidance around sleep, stress, hormones, medication and counselling
- A referral for your child if they’re struggling
Ask other parents, especially the ones who look like they have it together
Spoiler: they don’t. But one of the most bonding sentence in parenting is: “Can you tell me how you handle this?” If you’ve noticed a mum who seems to manage at something better than you, ask her how she does it. Knowledge and strategies are some of the best help a mum can get.
Parent networks can also be wildly practical with things like:
- Shared lifts to school or sport
- Homework help in a pickle
- Uniform rescues
- “I’ll watch yours for an hour, you watch mine for an hour”
- Honest recommendations for speechies, psychologists, tutors, after-school care and more
Ask your workplace
If parenting is impacting your work, it’s already your workplace’s problem. You don’t have to keep soldiering on like the good worker bee you are. Most companies have plenty of options in place to support you through testing times, but you really do need to ask for them:
- Flexible start and finish times
- Work from home days
- Carer’s leave options
- Temporary workload adjustment
- A predictable meeting schedule
- Access to EAP counselling
Ask your community
You might not know what’s available until you look, but help exists in more places than we realise:
- Local council programs and parenting support groups
- Religious communities, if that’s your thing
- Kind neighbours
- Sports clubs
- Online support groups that are genuinely helpful, not just judgey places that make you feel worse about yourself (leave those groups, please, please please!)
Tips to feel comfortable when you ask for help
Because “just ask” is annoying advice when you’re already overwhelmed and shy about asking in the first place. So here are a few strategies that actually work.
Make the request specific
The more specific you can make the help you need, the easier it is for someone to step in and make a difference.
- “Any chance Mia could get a lift home with you after netball?”
- “Could Sam stay for dinner with you? I’m completely out of steam tonight.”
- “Can you take my kids on Thursday while I attend an appointment?”
- “Did you understand that email from school, or is it just me?”
Ask early, not when you’re already exploding
Help requested in calmer moments is usually easier to give and less stressful for your helper. If you’re already in tears, ask anyway.
Practise asking small
If asking for ‘big’ help feels impossible, start with the tiny stuff. Ask for one small favour.
- “Can you text me later to remind me about this?”
- “Would you mind being the one to ask about this in the WhatsApp group?”
- “Can you drop Jay on your way home from soccer?”
Accept help without correcting how it’s done
This is the hard one. But if you ask for help and then micromanage it, you won’t get help again.
If your partner packs lunch weirdly, let it be weird. If Grandma feeds them limitless snacks, fine. If your friend let’s them run riot without doing the homework, excellent.
Being the village
Helping each other out is at the heart of the village life we all crave. Being there for others builds connection, shares burdens and strengthens bonds. Asking for help also models something powerful for our kids too: that we are surrounded by people who care about us and it’s normal to lean on each other. A good life is a shared life.
And yes, there will be times when help is harder to find – your people are busy, money is tight, life is messy and support systems are all tuckered out. If that’s where you find yourself at right now, please don’t read this article as “you need to try harder to build a village”. Instead, read it as permission to keep trying, in small ways and to reach for professional support where you can.
Feature image by Anna Shvets; friends together by Büşranur Aydın; washing up by Tima Miroshnichenko; community by Andrea Piacquadio
