Teens and screens: How to reset the balance

If like me you’ve caught your kid scrolling TikTok at midnight, then popped back in at 6 am to find them… still scrolling, you already know that teens and screens are a nightmare. (Except the teens don’t sleep… )

At our place it’s always been phones away at the dinner table, but other than that I confess I lost the phones-out-of-bedrooms battle long ago. At least, I kind of did, because my three are relatively self-moderating. And we’ve certainly had some pretty firm boundaries in place over the years (see below). You could say, I may not have won the battle, but we’re definitely winning the war.

Here are my thoughts on how to navigate this tricky terrain with gentle kindness and patience, plus a sh*t ton of rigidity when it matters.

Why boundaries are essential

Let’s start with the why (because we know that’s the first thing our teens are going to sulk at us – but whhhhhhhy?).

We all know tech is addictive, but it’s more than just habit-forming – it’s wired into teen brains. A recent article in The Australian compares teens’ attachment to their phones to “toxic romantic entanglements,” with algorithms exploiting dopamine rewards in developing minds.

The Black Dog Institute’s Future Proofing Study backs this up. Their 2024 report found that screen time and mental health are deeply intertwined, particularly when teens use devices for passive activities like mindless scrolling, endless messaging, or gaming marathons. But it’s not all bad news: context matters.

An ACU study found that not all screen time is created equal. Watching a film with the family or researching for school doesn’t impact wellbeing in the same way that bingeing TikTok or Instagram does.

Screen time isn’t all evil but it sometimes is

Time on screens can foster creativity, learning and connection. So no, screens aren’t evil. It’s the when, how, and how much that matter. And, to me most importantly, it’s what they’re not doing when they’re on screens that is truly concerning: being in the moment; connecting with others in real life; creative engagement and, crucially, being bored.

Think of phones like chocolate: a little is delightful, a lot makes us sick. It’s perfectly healthy for teens to watch Netflix, game, chat and create content, but doomscrolling at 1 am? That’s when you start seeing real consequences, like mood changes, burnout and an inability to focus at school.

The eSafety Commissioner says these are the signs that online activity may be having a negative impact:

Physical activity is non-negotiable

There’s also another big negative for screens: lack of physical activity. When kids get caught up on online stuff, that’s one of the first things to go. They simply don’t move enough when they’re glued to a screen.

The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare says that 83% of adolescents aged 15–17 did not meet the Australian government’s physical activity guidelines – defined as not completing 60 minutes per day of moderate to vigorous physical activity that makes the heart beat faster. 

An hour a day is not a lot. We don’t need to sign them up for triathlons; we just need them to move. Walking the dog, bouncing on the trampoline, kicking a ball, dancing, swimming, jumping over puddles – it all counts. 

Queensland Health’s Growing Good Habits campaign reinforces the value of this daily balance. The research is clear: less recreational screen time plus more movement equals better physical and mental health in teens.

Set rules without creating war zones

Our teens’ phones aren’t the enemy but they sure can feel like one. And rules can quickly escalate into screaming matches if not handled well. So instead of screaming back, try this three-step strategy:

1. Set clear, shared boundaries

Sit down and agree on the non-negotiables: no phones at the dinner table, no screens before school, screens off one hour before bed – lock them away if necessary. Your kids are far more likely to respect rules they helped create and you might be surprised by how fair they are (at least in the meeting… later, maybe not so much). 

This will help: Boundaries and teens: how to set limits without losing your mind (or your kid)

2. Lead by example

If I’m replying to emails at the table or checking the weather while pretending to listen to a my kid’s story, I’ve lost the moral high ground. On the flip side, when my teens see me treating tech mindfully, they respect the messages I’m trying to teach them. Some things I do to show, not just tell:

• My own phone is away at the dinner table.
• I have nights off screens altogether and do other things like drawing, chatting with a friend on the phone, listening to music, baking or cooking, go for a night walk or read books
• I don’t take my phone out whenever there’s a lull in activity around me. I’ll wait in the queue or sit on the train and observe life around me instead.
• I’ll head out for a bushwalk and leave my phone in my bag (I still need it to count my steps or did I really walk? )

3. Schedule tech-free moments

As discussed above, instead of just cutting screen time, fill that space with something. Removing screens can feel like taking oxygen away from a teen unless you’ve got solid alternatives. Make a list together:

• Creative outlets: Art, baking, music, writing stories, DIY projects, garden work

• Real-world socialising: Friends over for a swim, a movie night, sport, volunteering, playing cards

• Body and mind breaks: Mindfulness, yoga, journaling, reading, gardening, walking the dog

Loads more here: 125 (not even remotely boring) things for tweens to do at home

If you don’t offer alternatives, the void gets filled with more screens. It helps to create some structure for screen-free time without making it feel like punishment. When the kids were younger, I used to give them a full schedule on school holiday days. You know, 8-9am wake up, breakfast; 9-9.30am chores; 9.30-10.30am pool time; 10.30-11am bake muffins for afternoon tea; 11am-12noon screens; 12noon-12.30pm lunch time… you get the idea.

Reclaim quality time (with or without screens)

The Australian Institute of Family Studies notes that screen use done together can actually strengthen relationships. Watching a film, playing video games or sharing silly Tik Tok reels can be valuable bonding time.

In the earlier years, our family embraced “family screen nights” where everyone picks something (movie, game, YouTube vids, whatever they like), snacks are compulsory and phones are down unless they’re part of the fun. It’s not revolutionary, but it kept us connected… and my kids discovered that I’m really, really terrible at any and all video games.

More tips here:  5 tips to build a family culture of communication, cooperation and care

Watch for emotional red flags

One of the most valuable insights from the recent ACU longitudinal study is that excessive screen use often masks emotional distress. Kids who feel anxious, lonely or disconnected are more likely to retreat into digital distractions and it can become a cycle.

If your teen seems increasingly irritable, tired, anxious or withdrawn, the screen isn’t necessarily the cause, so it’s worth digging deeper. Try “I’ve noticed you’ve been on your phone a lot lately, how are you going?” and then resist the urge to problem-solve too quickly. Just listen.

If you’re not satisfied with the responses you’re hearing, seek support from a service like Headspace, or check in with your GP.

Don’t forget about sleep

Sleep is the unspoken victim of teenage screen habits. Blue light messes with melatonin production, but it’s also the sheer timing of use – many teens check their phones all the way up until they pass out. Then they wake up tired, moody and running late for school.

Enforcing a no-phone-in-the-bedroom policy is hard, but it’s worth dying on that particular hill. Try charging phones outside their rooms, setting “wind down” times and offering alternatives like music, sleepy podcasts (we like Calm) or audiobooks can help.

Start with small changes – maybe 30 minutes screen-free before bed – then build from there. This isn’t an overnight fix, but consistency pays off. You may not always get compliance, but on the nights you do it’s a good lesson for them to learn that they can go to sleep without their screen and they might feel all the better for it.

Play the long game

At the end of the day, screen time isn’t just about rules, it’s about relationships. We want our teens to feel safe, trusted and capable of navigating tech in a healthy way on their own. That’s the goal.

Will they slip up? Absolutely. Will they try to sneak their phone into bed? Probably daily. But we’re not aiming for perfection here, we’re aiming for good enough because good enough teaches balance.

Just remember, teens really do want boundaries (even if they carry on like pork chops when we try to keep them strong). The latest research supports our instincts: when screen time is mindful, movement is part of their day and connection remains at the centre of home life, our kids are healthier, happier and more likely to thrive.

I’m here to tell you that we get there in the end. The kids grow up and the screens get less compulsive as life gets busier and more absorbing elsewhere. My own three have a pretty good relationship with screens these days… well, mostly. Lottie has watched Brooklyn 99 about eleventy-billion times, but, you know what? I’m okay with that.

 

Feature image by SHVETS production; group of kids on screens by There on Saturn; Girl on computer by Jackie Alexander