Skip to Content

Motivate the unmotivated: How to empower kids to excel in school (and life!)

Motivate the unmotivated: How to empower kids to excel in school (and life!)

Some kids skip into school every day, ready to tackle whatever is thrown their way. They’re motivated, engaged and likely a candidate for future school captain. Other kids… not so much. If you have one like mine, there is no skipping going on. Instead, you’re faced with a daily dose of trying to motivate the unmotivated. They’re dragging themselves into school to daydream through another class – if they even make it into school at all. Post-pandemic, school refusal has become a pandemic of its own.

But your kid doesn’t have to reach the extreme of refusing to go in order to miss out on school. Physically showing up is one thing and mentally, emotionally and socially  showing up is another. There are a lot of kids who are physically present at school, but disinterested, disengaged, overwhelmed and completely unmotivated. 

I think we all want the same thing: for our kids to thrive doing whatever it is that floats their particular boat.

We want them to embrace opportunities, feel proud of their efforts and understand that we sometimes have to do boring or hard things in order to progress in life. These are big asks, and they can feel impossible asks when you’re trying to motivate the unmotivated. Nothing seems to get through.

Here’s how we can gently nudge (okay, sometimes shove) our kids toward unlocking their potential, both in and out of the classroom.

Create a home where they feel safe to fail

First things first: kids need a space where they can be honest about what’s on their mind. That means setting the tone for open conversations—the kind where they can admit to bombing a test or feeling overwhelmed without worrying they’ll get a lecture.

Kids do want to do well, but they can feel overwhelmed by the expectations that school demands of them. Add high expectations coming from home and it’s often a recipe for complete disengagement. Think of it as a subconscious defence mechanism – “if I can’t achieve what everyone wants me to achieve, I won’t try at all” means if I don’t try I never really failed.

So, let’s listen more, judge less and show them we’re on their team.

Be on the same team as your child

Try this: How to reconnect with your teen (even if it’s been a while)

Set goals that don’t feel like a chore

Ah, the beauty of a well-set goal for sparking motivation. But two important things here:

  1. Your kid needs to be the one to set the goal, not you.
  2. The goal needs to be achievable with a little bit of stretch, not a lot.

Your child is far more likely to be invested in SMART goals they set themselves. Achieving a mark that’s 10 points higher than a previous test is achievable. Aiming to be first in the class when last time you were middle of the pack is not. Remind them to break big aspirations into bite-sized chunks that won’t overwhelm them.

Then help them set a plan to achieve their goal. Keep the plan incremental and small, requiring effort each day, but not too much. Bit by bit they’ll slowly build towards meeting their goal and, hopefully, set up some new habits along the way. Asking your child to dedicate an entire afternoon after school to study feels overwhelming. Asking them to spend 15 minutes a day after dinner is not.

Achievable goals become their own source of motivation – a taste of success is often all that’s needed to set a new, slightly loftier, goal.

Show them why learning matters

“Why do I need to know this?” is the eternal teenage refrain. My son was the master of this one. He’d come at me with a 10 minute speech about the uselessness of learning quadratic equations (well, at least he was fine-tuning his presentation skills, if not his maths).

But instead of rolling our eyes (like I used to do before sending my son back to the grind), let’s instead connect the dots for them and show how school subjects tie into real-world interests.

If you find yourself at a loss (quadratic equations and real life, anyone?) go down the “learning to learn” path. All learning fires new pathways in our brain that develop our critical thinking skills, creativity, logic and overall understanding of the world. While it might not feel “relevant” at the time, one day that new neural pathway carved out by ax 2 + bx + c = 0 might fire up and solve a problem for you.

Let them chase their passions

Is your child really unmotivated, or just not into whatever it is they are being taught at school?

Nothing lights a fire under a person up like learning about something they actually care about. Whether it’s building a Lego masterpiece, acing a level on a video game, training for a fun run, or mastering a riff on a guitar, your child’s passions provide the spark they need to tackle life’s other challenges (like schoolwork).

Research from Stanford University’s Project for Education Research That Scales (PERTS) concludes that fostering passion fuels persistence and academic growth. So support your child’s hobbies and celebrate their quirks—who knows where those interests might lead?

Give them the reins… mostly

Independence is a big deal for older kids, so lean into that. Teach them to manage their own schedules, plan their study time, and even make mistakes (see first point above) According to a report from the University of Minnesota, teens who are given autonomy develop better decision-making skills and are more likely to take ownership of their responsibilities.

This might mean biting our tongue when we see our kids procrastinating, but those are lessons they need to learn on their own.

Let unmotivated teens lead the way to find their passions

High-five the little wins

Kids don’t always need a standing ovation, but a simple “nice job” can work wonders to motivate the unmotivated.

Maybe they handed in an assignment on time or helped with dinner without being asked—those wins deserve recognition. Positive reinforcement boosts motivation and confidence and celebrating effort reminds them that progress is more important than perfection.

Let failure be their teacher

Mistakes are going to happen, and that’s okay. In fact, it’s more than okay—it’s essential.

Encourage your kids to see failures as opportunities to learn and grow. Research on growth mindset shows that people who believe abilities can be developed are more likely to embrace challenges and persist through difficulties.

Let’s normalise the idea that falling down is just part of the journey to standing tall.

Lead by example

The usual parenting gold here. We’re our kids’ first role models, so what we do matters. That’s true when they’re young and even truer as they get older.

How well do you pursue goals, embrace challenges and celebrate wins (even the tiny ones)? Whether it’s learning a new skill, tackling a project at work, or trying a new hobby, our actions speak louder than words.

Motivating the unmotivated isn’t about pushing them harder; it’s about showing them what’s possible. By creating a supportive environment, setting meaningful goals and connecting learning to their passions, we can help them see the bigger picture.

Add in a dash of independence, a sprinkle of celebration and a whole lot of role modelling, and hopefully our enthusiasm will be infectious.

Feature image and boy at blackboard by Karolina Grabow for Kaboompics.com; mother and daughter by Elina Fairytale

Leave a comment