Read this too: How we foster independence in our school-age kids
That means letting them make their own breakfast (try this!), even if it makes the kitchen looks like a crime scene and you all have to be out the door in 15 minutes. It’s standing by their school shoes at the front door, biting your tongue, while they spend five minutes finding the school shoes they carelessly kicked off by the front door yesterday. It’s the sheer physical restraint required to not swoop in and tidy, fix, organize, or “just do it quickly” for them.
Let’s be real: the urge to intervene is massive. Doing it ourselves is faster and cleaner and waaaay less likely to end in a meltdown (theirs or ours). But every time we “save” our kids from a basic task, we’re actually saying to them ‘you can’t handle this’.
More on this: Let’s stop trying to fix things before they even happen
When, frankly, they can and they should.
Stop doing all the things
Before we rush to print out version number 3879 of the chore chart, let’s pause a moment. Getting kids to ‘do more’ and ‘do more efficiently’ isn’t necessarily about dictating, rewarding or even threatening. Instead, we’re just going to try ‘stepping back’.
That means simply not doing the thing and (here’s the tricky bit) being okay when it doesn’t get done. Because, let’s face it, our kids don’t actually know about all the tiny things we do for them on the daily. It’s (maybe) one of the reasons why we feel so unappreciated. They don’t know what they don’t know.
Take an honest look at your day: What are you doing for your kids that they could reasonably do themselves? Finding shoes that weren’t put away? Packing bags? Refilling water bottles? Making lunches? Chasing school notes? Cleaning bedrooms? Doing homework?
And that’s before we even get started on the general things we do. All the shopping? All the meals? All the laundry? All the cleaning? All the reminding, remembering, scheduling, sorting, fiddling, fixing?
Ask yourself why you’re still doing all the things. Sometimes it’s just habit, sometimes we’re in a rush, but sometimes, if we’re being really honest, it feels good to be needed. Especially when our kids are growing up and away from us. They might not want to snuggle on the couch with us these days, but look at us: we’re useful! They couldn’t get by without us!
We get it: I never realised how much I’d miss my little kids (so much)
You can see the problem here. How are we going to raise independent humans when we’re not, um, fostering independence?
Maybe it’s high time we stopped doing and started observing instead?
Teach once, then get out of the way
Here’s the plan: let them know they’ll be taking over X from now on. Then show them how to do X once, maybe twice. Then, step back and let them get on with it.
Really, let them get on with it.
If you keep hovering or correcting their technique or re-doing the job once they’re done, you’ve just taken the ownership back.
Instead, let them do it their own way and, maybe, from time to time offer a new bit of advice (especially important for laundry, trust me). Competence comes from doing the work again and again, not from being micro-managed by a supervisor. If you’re really upset about their way of doing a job, you can gently nudge them in the right direction over time.
Let natural consequences do their thing
Here’s where life has a built in growing up tool… Natural consequences are the world’s best teachers, but they can be brutal to watch as a parent.
Yes, if they forget their lunch, they’ll be hungry. If they don’t charge their laptop, they’ll likely get a detention. If they don’t put their school uniform in the wash, they’ll be wearing a smelly one come Monday.
We rush to fix these things because we hate seeing them uncomfortable, but discomfort is where the magic happens.
Take the smelly school uniform problem. Problematic, but not life threatening – though they will probably think being the stinky kid for a day is actually life threatening… Rest assured they will never again forget to wash their school uniform.
Stepping back like this doesn’t mean letting the kids walk into traffic. Rather we’re just letting the small, manageable stuff land where it may. And when it does, resist the “I told you sos.” A simple, “That’s a bummer, what’s the plan for next time?” goes a lot further than a lecture. Especially if you help them work through an actual plan.
Systems beat nagging every time
If you find yourself having to offer ‘advice’ for doing something ‘properly’ over and over again, it’s usually not a discipline problem and they’re not necessarily being ‘lazy’. Everyone has different tolerance levels for how things are done and we need to give them some grace to find their own.
Instead of raising your voice, build a system:
- Set up some checklists in key places to help them sequence through tasks. Some helpful checklists might be by the washing machine, the kitchen sink, on the back of their bedroom door and by the front door.
- Create a “reset” time after dinner where everyone in the household tidies up their own stuff.
- Help them create consistent “launch pads” or “go bags” for various activities. For example, all school uniforms might live in a set part of their wardrobe; all sports gear might live in a sports bag; school supplies stay on the desk or in the school bag, etc.
The goal is to set up their environment to do the reminding so we don’t have to.
It’s a collaboration, not a dictatorship
Change sticks when kids feel like they have a say in it, so bring them on board with what you’re trying to achieve. Explain how raising independent humans is the aim of a parents’ life and why it’s so important.
Stress the value of doing things for yourself (and remember, one of the primary values of that is they’ll get to do it exactly how they like it and it’s important we honour that). To help them get on board, try asking something like: “What do you think you’re ready to handle on your own?” or “What would make our mornings less chaotic?”
More tips here: How to ask for help (because it truly is life changing)
You might be surprised by what they suggest. Even if their ideas are a bit wild, involving them creates buy-in and that might be the difference between a kid who’s excited about making some changes and one who whinges their way through it.
Don’t fall for the “Good Parent” trap
There’s such a lot of pressure on us mums to be the solid “Chief Operating Officer” of the family and anticipate every need and smooth every path. That goes for both kids and partners. There seems to be whole genre on the socials about how fun and funny it is to infantilise our partners and then complain about it (but that’s a whole other article!).
But raising a capable human requires us to loosen our grip and feel okay about it. It’s okay if things aren’t perfectly organised. It’s okay if the kids forget things sometimes. It’s okay if the house isn’t spotless.
The goal isn’t to be the parent who does everything; it’s to raise the person who can.
The long game
Yes, no doubt about it, raising independent humans will slow you down. Your mornings will be clunkier and your kitchen will be messier. Tasks that take you thirty seconds will take them five minutes. Or the opposite, which is equally frustrating.
This is where most of us give up and just start doing all the things again. But, trust me, if you can survive the short-term chaos, you’ll get long-term reward. And a certain amount of bragging rights, if that’s your thing. There is a specific kind of pride in watching your child do something for themselves that they used to need you for. And a great amount of pride when your kid can effortlessly ‘fly the nest‘ when it’s time.
The “sting” of not being needed by our teens and tweens is real, I get that. But what you’re trading it for is even better: a human who is resilient, capable and ready for the world. And isn’t that kind of the point of it all?
Feature image by Kampus Production; girl at supermarket by Gustavo Fring; girl sweeping by cottonbro studio
