Let me tell you, nothing prepares you for the moment your previously confident, sparkly-eyed child turns into a self-doubting, hoodie-wearing teen who won’t make eye contact unless it’s through a screen.
One day they’re belting out Taylor Swift in the backseat like no one’s watching, the next they’re too embarrassed to walk past a group of Year 10s in the food court. And don’t even get me started on the silent panic that descends when their friends are laughing at something they weren’t tagged in.
Being a teenager is rough. And being the parent of one? Let’s just say, it’s a humbling experience.
Navigating the teen self-esteem rollercoaster
You spend years telling your kid how brilliant, funny, kind and capable they are, only to watch their self-esteem slowly evaporate under the weight of school pressure, filtered selfies, friendship drama and hormones doing the cha-cha. It’s like teen self-esteem and confidence gets caught in the spin cycle and you’re left trying to smooth out the creases.
We want so much for them to feel good in their own skin. To be able to back themselves, take risks, bounce back from failure and know their worth has nothing to do with likes, followers, or the fact that they didn’t get invited to a party. But how do we do that, especially when they barely let us in?
Here’s the thing: even when it seems like they’re not listening, they are. Even when they shrug us off, they’re paying attention. And even when they roll their eyes so hard we fear for their optic nerves, they still need us — more than ever.
That’s why supporting teen self-esteem isn’t a one-and-done pep talk. It’s an ongoing practice, a series of little moments stitched together with patience, empathy and the occasional deep breath in the pantry.
So, what actually helps? Let’s look at what the research says and what we can do — day by day, eye roll by eye roll — to help our teens feel strong, worthy and wonderfully themselves.
Navigating the teenage self-esteem rollercoaster
Before we can help build our teens up, we need to understand what’s pulling them down. Self-esteem doesn’t just vanish on its own, it’s chipped away by a perfect storm of pressures that today’s teens are facing in greater force than ever.
From academic demands and social comparison to body image issues and the relentless presence of social media, there’s a lot going on behind that cool, indifferent exterior. And while we might remember our own teenage wobbles, the modern teen landscape is a whole new beast (one that doesn’t switch off, even when the school bell rings).
Here’s what the latest research is telling us about the challenges shaping how our teens see themselves:
- Mental health concerns: A 2020 survey by headspace revealed that one in three Australian young people reported high or very high levels of psychological distress. The proportion of teens who aren’t able to carry out day-to-day activities as a result of this is steadily increasing.
- Social media pressures: The Butterfly Foundation found that nearly half of Australian high school students have skipped school due to body image concerns, with social media being a significant contributing factor. The same study revealed that over half also avoided social interactions with friends and family and over 75% avoid going to the beach or pool. More worrying still, more than a third have avoided going to the doctor because of body image issues.
- Parental perceptions: A US CDC report indicated a disconnect between teens and parents regarding emotional support, with only 58.5% of teens feeling they receive adequate support, while 93.1% of parents believe they provide it.
Practical ways to support teen self-esteem
So, now we know what teens are up against (spoiler alert: it’s a lot), let’s talk about what we can actually do to help.
Because the good news is, teen self-esteem isn’t set in stone. It can be strengthened, gently and consistently, by the people who care about them the most (yes, even the ones they currently pretend not to know in public).
Supporting self-esteem doesn’t have to be grand or groundbreaking. Often, it’s the small things: the way we listen, the things we say (and don’t say), the boundaries we set, and the space we hold. It’s not about “fixing” our teens; it’s about walking beside them as they figure out who they are (and reminding them they’re already pretty great).
Here are some practical ways to do just that.
Create space for real talk
Encourage your teen to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Active listening and validating their experiences can make them feel valued and understood.
Detox their digital diet
Guide teens to curate their online experiences. Encourage them to follow positive influences and take breaks from platforms that negatively impact their self-image. Campaigns like Dove’s #DetoxYourFeed offer resources to help navigate social media healthily. The key thing is: unfollow the unfriendly.
Help them find their thing
Engaging in sports, art, clubs or volunteering can provide teens with a sense of accomplishment and belonging, boosting their confidence and self-worth. Another bonus: they make good friends away from their school group.
Show them how it’s done
As always, it’s what we do, not necessarily what we say. Be the change you want to see in your kid! Demonstrate self-compassion and confidence in your own actions. How positive is your own feed? How gentle is your own self talk? And how often are you putting yourself down in front of your kids?
Be their biggest quiet fan
Recognise and celebrate their efforts and achievements, no matter how small. Consistent encouragement reinforces their belief in their abilities. You don’t need to make a song and dance about it (this often backfires anyway). Rather, do it quietly, but consistently. “I love how you…” “Your X is wonderful” “How good is your…”
Help them love the skin they’re in
Discuss the diversity of body types and challenge societal beauty standards and encourage them to check their feed to stay on track with this. Take them out into the ‘real world’ regularly so they’re surrounded by ‘real people’ with ‘real bodies’. Promote the idea that worth isn’t determined by appearance and back that up by your own actions.
Know when to call for backup
If your kid shows signs of persistent low self-esteem or mental health issues, consult your GP. Organisations like headspace and Beyond Blue offer resources and support. Headspace also offers free counselling and no referral is needed.
Supporting our teens’ self-esteem isn’t about fixing everything or having all the right answers. Let’s face it, none of us do anyway. It’s about showing up, again and again. All those little moments when they need a lift, a laugh, or just someone who believes in them, even when they don’t believe in themselves.
We won’t always get it right, and that’s okay. What matters is that we keep trying. Because with the right kind of support, teens really can come through the highs and lows of these years with a strong sense of who they are and where they’re headed.
And if they do roll their eyes at you while you’re cheering them on from the sidelines… Well, you’re probably doing it right. Keep cheering.
Feature image by Pixabay; girl in mirror Kaboompics.com; boys at mic by cottonbro studio
