Is there anything more irritating than living with a prolonged teenage sulk? Oh, I know. The teen rage and the teen tantrum are up there. But there’s something about a teenager sulking that burrows into your skin and scratches at your nerve endings.
Or is that just me?
Teens may sulk for various reasons and it’s a normal part of their development and emotional expression. They are a mess of hormones, their rational brain is not yet fully developed and, well, life. Life is complex at this age – friendships are rocky, independence is being established, school is demanding… and then romance enters the picture.
Why, please whhhhy?
Common reasons for teenage sulk include:
1. Emotional expression
Sulking can be a way for kids to communicate that something is bothering them when they don’t have the words to explain it. They might be feeling upset, frustrated, disappointed, misunderstood, overwhemed, shut out or wronged. It’s very hard to keep these kinds of big emotions in.
2. Seeking attention
This was my specialty when I was a teen. Whenever I felt ignored or neglected, sulking was how I let my family and friends know. Let’s just say it worked fairly well with the friends and not so well with the parents! My friends would gather around me to ask what was wrong and pamper me with attention. My family would roll their eyes, tell me to get over myself and move on. In this case, I guess teen me figured that a tiny bit of negative attention was better than none?
3. Independence and autonomy
When you’re young, sulking seems like a great tactic to gain some independence. “You can’t make me” is the fastest way to prove that I’m an adult now, right? Ha! But when you think about from your teen’s perspective, “I don’t wanna” is a way to have a little bit of control over their lives and push back against parental authority.
4. Communication struggles
Adolescents usually have under-developed effective communication skills and sulking can be their default response when they struggle to express themselves. Let’s just say that if teens exist somewhere between “child” and “adult”, the child comes out when words fail.
5. Mood swings
All those rampaging hormones naturally lead to mood swings and emotional volatility, which can manifest as sulking. I mean, us mums can totally relate to this situation, right?
6. Social issues
Problems with friends or social situations can also lead to feelings of isolation or sadness, leading to sulking behaviour. Your kid just doesn’t feel good right now and it’s hard to put on a happy face. In this case, is it sulking, or is it just needing some space to be unhappy for a while?
Dealing with the face
Which is all well and good, but knowing the why still doesn’t make it any easier to deal with the face. Every parent who has ever witnessed a teenage sulk knows the face. And the sighing in. And the collapsing onto furniture because the legs can’t hold the body when the face is in situ. Am I triggering you right now? Apologies.
So, with so many things likely to trigger a teen sulk, we have to face the fact that they are likely inevitable (cue mother sulk – sigh). Fortunately there are things we can do to make life with sulky teenagers more comfortable.
Stay calm
Hard though it may be, keep an open and non-judgmental atmosphere where everyone feels comfortable expressing their feelings. Even if that means flopping around at you with a face like a wet mop. Simply acknowledge their presence, ignore the face and say you are available to talk if they need you.
Hold space
Remember, we don’t have to be happy all the time. It’s okay to feel down in the dumps, angry, frustrated or overwhelmed sometimes. So don’t try to engineer your kid’s feelings – let them have their sulky moment. Then, when they are ready to open up about their feelings, be an active listener. Give them your full attention, validate their emotions and avoid interrupting or dismissing their concerns.
Keep working on their communication skills
As we established above, sulking is often a way for your teen to tell you that they don’t know how to tell you… They’re young, inexperienced and often just don’t have the words to express the big thoughts and feelings. Keep working with them to build their communication skills and encourage them to express their feelings verbally instead of resorting to sulking.
This can sometimes feel a bit ‘forced’ because you find yourself doing the whole therapist “Can you hear how you sound when you say X” and “Can you think of another way to express Y”, but persevere. Like all things in life, learning takes time and often needs to be explicit.
Boundaries are still important
While being understanding, also set clear boundaries about acceptable behaviour. Let your child know that sulking is okay as an emotional expression, but not as a manipulative tool to get their way. Gently remind them to check in with themselves to explore the reasons behind why they feel the need to sulk.
Can I just add a quick note about boundaries in this regard? Just because our kids are walking around without a fully-developed prefrontal cortex, doesn’t give them an excuse to be an asshole. I can’t express that any clearer than that, but what I mean is it’s up to us to hold the boundary of what is and isn’t an acceptable way to treat people. Eventually they’ll get it. If we make excuses for their behaviour, they may never learn where the boundary is supposed to be.
Model healthy expression
This is where we step up and lead by example to demonstrate healthy ways to handle emotions and conflicts. This means not “stooping to their level” and “being the grown-up” (I know, it sux, but someone’s gotta do it). So if your kid is moping around like a stalled engine, don’t be tempted to sulk back at them. You know what I mean: they’re ignoring you so you decide to ignore them back? Sorry, not a great idea. Instead, simply say something like, “I know you want some space right now, but I’m here when you’re ready to talk things through. Just know that if i don’t hear from you in the next hour or so, I’ll come and remind you that we need a chat.”
Do things together that are fun
The fastest way I know to get my kids out of a slump is to get them out of the house. Most sulking occurs at home (they are so much better at being nice in public), so take them out somewhere. Fresh air is good – a walk, a swim, even to just take a slice of cake to the park and roll out a blanket to laze on. They might drag their heels and not want to go, but if you can get them out there, I promise an almost instant sulk-deflection moment.
Get help if needed
Yes, sulking is common. Yes, it goes on for a while. But if the sulk levels your kid is demonstrating feel excessive it might indicate deeper emotional issues. Depression, anxiety and general not-coping-with-growing-up can all look a lot like a teenage sulk. So consider seeking help from your GP or a mental health professional if you or your child need support.
Images by Polina Zimmerman
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