Understand what’s really going on
First, some reassurance: this pulling away is normal. In fact, it’s part of growing up.
Tweens (roughly aged 9 to 12) are beginning to shape their own identity, separate from you. They’re influenced by friends, school, the internet, the kid at soccer who claims his parents let them play Grand Theft Auto. Yeah, right, buddy.
They’re also navigating big internal changes (think hormones, cognitive leaps, scary body stuff) which makes their emotional landscape a minefield.
Pulling away from parents is a way to test independence. It’s developmentally appropriate. But knowing that doesn’t make it any less painful when your once-chatty kid now greets your attempts at connection with a shrug and a muttered “dunno.”
Don’t take it personally (even when it feels personal)
Yes, your tween ghosting you feels like rejection. But it’s not a reflection of your parenting, or your bond, or the fact that you once made them wear matching tracksuits to the school fete.
It’s simply their way of carving space. So try not to react with defensiveness or guilt. The more we chase, cling or catastrophise, the more they’ll retreat. Respecting their space — while staying quietly available — is one of the trickiest but most powerful things we can do.
Rework the relationship
This is your nudge to evolve how you connect. Because, believe me, they are young yet. This is just the beginning of what’s to come.
In the early years, parenting is very hands-on and directive. Now, your role shifts to coach and confidant. Less “put your shoes on” and more “tell me what you think.” They need to feel heard, not managed. We need to provide gentle guidance, not lectures. And I know that’s super hard. I am the queen of lectures and my kids are all the better for it… ha!
Connection isn’t about more time together, it’s about meaningful time. Look for moments of real engagement. One good five-minute conversation is worth more than an entire afternoon of forced togetherness. You don’t want the forced togetherness, trust me.
Go where they are (even if it’s Roblox)
If your tween loves something — even if it’s something you barely tolerate — go there with them. Not in a performative way (“What IS this cool song by Taylor Swift called You Belong with Me?”) but with genuine curiosity.
Watch their YouTube clips. Ask about their game. Let them teach you the renegade. Let them laugh at you trying. It’s not about being cool (you won’t be – especially given the renegade was SIX years ago… how?), it’s about joining their world.
And don’t dismiss their passions. What seems trivial to you might be the thing that gets them through the day.
Find new ways to communicate
If face-to-face chats aren’t working, try something different.
- The car chat: Something about sitting side by side, eyes forward, makes the car a surprisingly safe space for confessions.
- The text message: Send a silly meme. Share a quote that reminds you of them. Keep it light and loving.
- The shared notebook: Leave a journal in their room where you both write to each other. Low pressure. High impact.
- The walk and talk: This one works a bit like the car chat — side by side, not face to face and plenty of distractions as you glide along together.
Find a way that feels natural — or at least not mortifying — for both of you.
Let them see you mess up
Tweens are becoming acutely aware of adult imperfections. If you try to present as flawless and all-knowing, they’ll either rebel or retreat. And, honestly? Who’d want to do that anyway? It must be exhausting to never show your kids your human side.
Let them see you forget something. Let them hear you apologise. Let them witness you working on yourself. This builds trust and it says, “It’s okay to be a work in progress.” Which is exactly what they are and exactly what we are too.
Offer calm, not control
When your child is stormy, the best thing you can do is be the harbour.
Try not to match their mood (it’s tricky, but give it your all). Don’t rise to the bait. Don’t yell back (hard, I know). They need your steadiness more than your solutions. Just being nearby with a calm presence can be more soothing than anything you say.
Remember: their brains are under construction. Logic is optional. Emotion is everything.
Read this too: How to keep your cool when all about you are losing theirs (and blaming it on you)
Set rituals and routines
Rituals create tiny moments of connection that don’t require big conversations.
- A weekly hot choccy run.
- An after-dinner blocky (see ‘The walk and talk” above)
- A family playlist
- Dinner or breakfast together each night (it matters more than you think)
- A Saturday card game or board game
- Friday night kitchen discos (although, let’s be honest, that’s soooo American movie)
- Taco Tuesdays, even when it’s Thursday.
Predictable rhythms give your tween a sense of stability in a time when everything else is shifting. It also opens up windows for chats that might not happen otherwise.
Don’t over-ask, don’t over-share
We’re desperate for a glimpse inside their world, so we pepper them with questions: How was school? What did you eat? Who did you sit with?
It’s too much. Ask one question, then wait. Resist the urge to fill the silence — they might answer, they might not. But creating space makes it more likely that they’ll come to you when they are ready to talk.
And while it’s good to share your own stories, keep them age-appropriate. Your tween doesn’t need the full emotional download about your boss being a narcissist or your friend group imploding. You’re modelling emotional openness, not turning them into your therapist.
Reconnect through repair
Tween ghosting behaviour is irritating AF and sometimes you’re gonna lose your shit over it. It is what it is. You’ll get it wrong; they’ll get it wrong. What matters is how you come back together after a wobble.
Own your part: say sorry, ask what they need. Let them practise doing the same.
This repair process teaches them more about relationships than any lecture ever could.
Stay steady, mumma
Your tween ghosting you doesn’t mean the connection is broken, it’s just changing shape. Believe me, you’re still their safe base, their north star, their soft place to land. Even if they act like they couldn’t care less.
Keep the wide door open. Keep showing up, offering small, sincere gestures of love and interest.
They won’t always meet you there, but they’ll remember that you tried.
But what if the ghosting goes deeper?
While a bit of tween ghosting, pulling away and seeking independence is one thing, sometimes it can indicate something is amiss. If your tween becomes consistently withdrawn, irritable or shows signs of anxiety or low mood, trust your gut. Kids this age can be incredibly good at hiding how they really feel.
Check in with their teacher. Chat with your GP. Reach out to a counsellor. Better to ask early than wish you had later.
Feature image by Sam Headland; walk and talk by Taraqur Rahman; pensive girl by Annie Spratt;
