This is the tween/teen sibling challenge. One’s suddenly obsessed with fashion or gaming or deep philosophical conversations at 10:45pm. The other still wants to build forts in the back yard. And us? Lucky mums, we get to manage the emotional fallout of kids outgrowing each other before they’re old enough to understand what that even means.
Different stages, same roof
The thing is, it’s natural for a 10-year-old and a 13-year-old to have almost nothing in common anymore (or that same 13-year-old and their older sibling). The older ones have grown out of the old games and just want to be left alone to do their angsty teen thing, while the younger sibs just want their playmate back.
This clash is one of the hardest parts of sibling dynamics in the adolescent years. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard, “She’s annoying, why would I play with her?” or“But he used to love playing Minecraft together.” Sob! It’s so very hard when your happy playmates suddenly seem to have zero in common.
What helps is reminding the kids that both experiences are valid. The older one isn’t wrong for wanting to pull away; the younger one isn’t wrong for missing them like crazy.
Family time that doesn’t suck
Once we hit the teen years in our house, “family time” had to be rebranded. Gone were the days when a group board game or family roadtrip could unite excitement in all three kids. Instead, we aimed for low-stakes, high-reward shared moments.
Watching a funny show together, a team baking moment, going for a walk (with bribes), or sitting in the same room doing different things – these can all be enough. The point is to be together without needing it to be Instagram-perfect. Sometimes it’s quiet, sometimes they fight, but usually they remember they like each other.
Making room for one-on-one time
It took me far too long to realise that the more individual time I spent with each child, the less family tension we had. Turns out, a lot of the bickering was just low-key jostling for my attention, not each others’.
So I made time to hang out with each however they preferered. For my teens, that might be a chat while driving somewhere (no eye contact, thank you very much). For tweens, it’s snuggling on the couch and rating outfits on reality TV (fab bonding time, if you can get it).
Giving them parent solo time fills their cup, so they’re more generous with their siblings later.Well, that’s the idea, anyway!
Let them work it out (but be nearby)
It’s tempting to jump in and sort every fight, especially when they’re yelling loud enough to wake the neighbours. But teens and tweens actually get a lot out of learning to negotiate their own conflicts. And, frankly, we get a lot out of letting them do it.
Unless things get truly nasty, try to stay on the sidelines and coach instead of fix. “What do you need from your brother right now?” “Have you told her how that made you feel?” “Can you think of a better way to ask for space?” Or… just observe from afar and say nothing at all.
They won’t always get it right, but conflict resolution is a life skill and siblings are the safe place to learn it.
Help them see the good stuff
Tweens and teens are champions at spotting flaws. OMG, it’s an artform for them. “He’s breathing too loud.” “What’s that stink?” “She chews like a goat.” It’s easy for the day-to-day sibling dynamic to slide into constant, awful critique.
We started doing “sibling shout-outs” at dinner: just one nice thing you noticed your brother or sisters did that day. At first it was flat-out cringe… I mean, this kind of stuff always is, isn’t it? But then it was funny and then, believe it or not, actually genuine at least 80% of the time.
Helping them see the good in each other reminds them that this relationship matters. Even if they pretend it doesn’t.
Siblings are the long game
Your older kids might not be besties right now, but that’s okay. No, really it is. My Max and Lottie were at each other’s throats for much of the early teen years (if I’m honest, it was mostly Max at everyone’s throats, but Lottie never took it lying down and hats of to her). I digress, my point is, if those two can get along these days (and they do), then there is hope for teens across the land.
The goal isn’t eternal harmony; it’s helping them develop respect, empathy and just enough patience to tolerate each other through their tumultuous adolescence. I just kept reminding them all that siblings aren’t actually your friends – they are so much more than that!
One day, they’ll look back on these messy years and remember that they were in it together. And that’s when they’ll suddenly be in cahoots against you and you’ll be so happy about the cahoots bit, but less happy about the against you bit. Take it from me 🙂 But cahoots is good, right?
Feature image by Craig Adderley; brother and sister by Shalom Ejiofor
