I’m finding it hard to believe myself, but my youngest kid is only 2 weeks away from finishing year 12. I mean, stop it, right? Isn’t Lottie 10 years old? How can she be graduating high school?
I know from doing this 2 other times in the last 3 years (again I ask: whhhhy did we have our kids so close together?!) that these final weeks of Year 12 can feel like life has gone into fast-forward. The trial exams are behind them and their major works completed and anxiously waiting for NESA assessment. Next comes farewells and formals, the unexpected emotion of graduation day and then their final exams looming large. On top of that, there’s the endless chatter about schoolies, about what comes next, about results that aren’t even out yet. It’s a lot. For them and for us.
Read this too: After 13 years, school ends with both a bang and a whimper
One thing I do know is that we’re not dealing with little kids anymore. Our babies are about to leave the structure of their schooling days and step out into the big, brave world to showcase what they’re made of. Not daunting at all. And because they truly are still, and will always be, our babies, it can be hard to know when to step in and when to back away. This is the year we’ve been waiting for since they started school, but somehow nothing prepares you for the mix of pride, panic and poignancy that comes with watching your child step out of childhood. Sob!
Winding up at school and saying goodbye
Graduation ceremonies, final assemblies and last-day rituals mark the end of an era. While all three of my kids were basically just entirely grateful to be leaving school behind, they also got that they’re simultaneously leaving behind the safety of routine, friendships built over more than a decade and the sense of belonging that comes from being part of a school community.
The reality is, endings often bring mixed emotions. Nostalgia, excitement, sadness and relief can all show up in the same afternoon.
I’ve found that it helps to honour these moments, even if our teens are less excited about the prospect. Trust me, in a very short time down the road, they will be glad you pushed them to take the photos, attend the assemblies, frame the certificate. Remind them that it’s also okay to feel sad about what they’re leaving behind, even if they’re also desperate to move on. And that many of their classmates will be feeling sad, full stop. For some students, saying goodbye to school feels like a terrible loss.
Preparing for and sitting the final exams
The HSC, VCE, QCE or WACE – whatever version your state delivers, the end of school is synonymous with final exams. They loom large, not just in reality but in mythology handed down from student to student across many generations. I’m still amazed that the HSC (we are in NSW) is still almost exactly the same as it was when I did it 35 years ago. Seriously – what is that about?
It’s still the “big test,” the “one shot,” the “decider” and schools still pile on all the brouhaha that goes along with that. Except, of course, it’s not quite the same at all. All 3 of my kids was lucky to get ‘early entry’ into the course they really wanted, so the pressure was off for the exams. Though I found, and not unexpectedly if you really think about human psychology, that all 3 actually probably knuckled down more because of that early entry. They wanted to ‘prove’ they earned their place. Which makes sense..
Even without early entry, universities, TAFEs and training organisations remind us every year, there are multiple ways to get where you want to go. The ATAR is just one doorway, not the entire house.
More on that here: 8 different ways to get into uni (if you don’t get the ATAR you need)
That said, exams still matter, and the stress is real. Headspace have a really good strategy here that might help your teen feel more in control. It basically reminds them to focus on rest, nutrition, realistic study goals and perspective. All the stuff we’ve already told them, of course, but it helps when it’s not coming from us, I feel.
To support them through the study and exam period, encourage a rhythm of short, focused study sessions with plenty of breaks. Make sure there’s nutritious food in the house that they don’t need to prepare (ie. “food not ingredients” as my son would say). Think wholefood bars, fresh fruit, savoury snacks, things like that.
Keep perspective alive and well. Remind them that exams test knowledge and recall on a particular day, not character or potential for life. It’s a message that might not always sink in, but it does settle somewhere deep, and I reckon it helps to hear it over and over again.
Celebrate the completion of each exam rather than just waiting for results. When my daughter staggered out of her maths paper, the joy on her face wasn’t about how she thought she’d gone, but about the relief that it was done. We immediately went for ice cream to celebrate never having to do quadratic equations again.
Navigating schoolies (or choosing not to go)
And then there’s schoolies. For some, it’s the non-negotiable rite of passage, for others, it’s a circle of hell they want no part of. I was lucky that all 3 of my kids chose the latter, but either way, it’s worth a conversation.
Talk early and often about what they want from the experience. If they’re going, focus on practicalities: travel, safety, alcohol, peer pressure, boundaries. Keep it grounded rather than preachy. If they’re not going, help them design an alternative that still marks the transition, like a camping trip, a road trip with mates, even just a week of pure rest. My Lottie is off to that mecca of schoolies, Nelson Bay with 3 of her dearest. A quiet week of togetherness at the beach is exactly how they want to see out their school days. I could get around that myself.
Max went camping with a couple of mates; Arabella headed to the Gold Coast with friends, but outside the traditional schoolies period. The key here is to remember that schoolies is about celebrating, so support your kid to mark the milestone in a way that fits who they are, not who everyone else thinks they should be.
The strange in-between
Once the exams are finished and the celebrations wind down, there’s a strange gap. School is over, but uni or TAFE doesn’t start until March and kids taking gap years are generally still working their high school job to pay for them. Apprenticeships, traineeships and ‘big jobs’ often don’t begin until the new year either. Suddenly, our kids have three or four months of unexpected freedom.
Which can be glorious, but also destabilising. Remember, these kids are coming out of 13 years of rigid structure. Even the ‘holidays’ had a set amount of time. So, without routine, many drift and the long summer can stretch from liberation into lethargy. Our job is not to fill every minute, but to help them put some light scaffolding around the time.
Encourage rest, actual rest – they’ve just finished one of the most stressful periods they’ll ever go through and it’s exhausting. It’s also a good idea to take things easy before marks are released. No ‘what ifs’ or expectations, just a proper, well-earned break.
After some down time, though, it’s time to nudge them towards some gentle structure: a casual or part-time job, volunteering, short courses, hobbies, travel. These things give rhythm and purpose to otherwise endless days. Of course, some kids need more structure than others. Max hung out with friends for a month or two before heading down the coast to get established in the town where he was starting his degree.
Arabella was due to start an Army Gap Year in the new year, but immediately went to the Dominican Republic for 2 months to volunteer at a marine biology facility. She learned to scuba dive like a pro and it sparked an interest in outdoor education that she went on to pursue after her gap year ended (Arabella would really know how to take a gap if she fell into one!).
It’s helpful to pick up the School Leavers Information Kit, which advises using this period to get on top of life admin. Things like setting up a tax file number, bank account, Medicare card, personal email and basic budget, if you haven’t already. Life admin may seem like a small thing, but it ultimately adds up to independence.
What comes next
The truth is, many people won’t know exactly what comes next – and that’s okay – but it helps to know what might come next in the short term. Even if they’re not nailing the ‘I want to be a’ story, they can nail the ‘after school I’m going to get a part time job to save money for X’ story. Today’s school leavers will likely have multiple careers across their working lives. I mean, I’ve had at least three distinct careers myself and I’m Gen-X! The ability to adapt and pivot is more valuable than any single decision made at 18.
What can we do to help them find their ‘what’s next’? Number 1: encourage curiosity. And that means booting them out of the house to go and explore their options. Attend open days at universities, ride the train to a different neighbourhood, observe what other people are doing in their day to day jobs… all the things.
Some will head straight to university or TAFE, some will start apprenticeships. Others will take a gap year, working or travelling and some will float for a while. All of these are valid paths. What matters most is not what they choose first, but how they learn to choose, adapt and try again if it doesn’t fit.
Why it all matters
The last months of Year 12 are about so much more than exams – despite what our entire education system seems to want our kids to feel! This period is really about endings and beginnings and letting go of childhood to step into themselves.
So attend their graduation, stock the fridge in preparation, talk openly about schoolies and help them find purpose in the days after exams. Then stand with them on ATAR day and remind them that life is so much bigger than a number. That no matter what result they achieve or path they choose to take, you’ll be right there, cheering them on from the sidelines.
Feature image by Pixabay; FLOW by Aleksandr Neplokhov
