Every parent loses his or her patience — it’s a fact of life. I don’t claim to be the world’s most patient parent — but it’s a goal of mine, and it’s something I’m dedicated to becoming. There are no perfect angels when it comes to mums and dads — we all get frustrated or angry and lose it from time to time.
But patience can be developed over time — it’s a habit, and like any other habit, it just takes some focus.
Here’s a list of 10 great tips and methods I’m trying out and experimenting with to help me become a more patient parent.
How to be a more patient parent
1. Count to 10
Ah, this old-timer strategy… but it really does work.
When you feel yourself getting frustrated or angry, stop. Count slowly to 10 (you can do this in your head). When you’re done, most of the initial impulse to yell will have gone away.
Alternatively, if you count out loud to 10, your kids will learn quickly that this is a good sign to run away.
(Fun fact, my late-teen-year-old son still freaks out when I do the ‘count to three’ thing…)
2. Deep breaths
This works very well in conjunction with the above tip. Count to 10, and then take three slow, deep breaths. Breathe in for three counts, hold for three counts, and exhale for six counts. Nice and slow, nice and calm.
Feel the frustration draining out of you with each breath.
3. Tally marks
One of the most effective and important methods for controlling an impulse — these worrisome urges that we have difficulty controlling — is to become more aware of it. And to do that, I literally carry around a little pencil and paper all day, and each time I feel the impulse (in this case, to react with anger), I mark down a tally.
While it sounds naff, it’s actually been an extremely important first step. Once you become aware of your impulses, you can work out an alternative reaction.
This one is helpful too: The end of the angry mum
4. Pretend someone’s watching
I forgot where I read this tip (a couple places, I think), but it’s effective. Pretend you have an audience. You’re less likely to overreact with your child if someone’s there watching your every move.
It might be helpful to imagine that you’ve left your ‘Live’ stream on Instagram on.
5. What would Mum do?
My mum is one of the most patient people I know (although she’s human like the rest of us). So when I find my ire rising, I think … “How would my mum handle this?”
By using this role model, I begin to change my behaviour to something more positive. You can use any role model you want — not necessarily my mum.
6. How does this help?
When I’m about to say something to my kids, when I can remember, I ask myself,
“How does this help my child?”
This helps me to re-focus on what’s really important. Yelling or getting angry rarely helps any situation. Instead of looking at the behaviour, try to look beyond to see the motivation behind your child’s actions. What’s driving your child act in a negative way and how can you help them alter their behaviour so it doesn’t happen again. Or at least, not too regularly.
7. Take a break
Often it’s best just to walk away for a few minutes. Take a break from the situation, just for 5-10 minutes, let yourself calm down, plan out your words and actions and solution, and then come back calm as a monk. Simply tell your kids that you are taking a moment and will be back in a few minutes. No need to make a big deal about it, simply state that you are going, then go. One of the benefits of parenting older kids.
8. Teach
This is something that helps me a lot. I remember that my kids are just kids — they are not perfect, they do not know how to do things, and they have a lot to learn. I’m their teacher.
I must be patient, and teach them how to do things — even if I’ve tried to teach them 10 times before, it might be the 11th time when things click.
And remember, none of us learnt things on the first try either. Find new ways to teach something, and you’re more likely to be successful.
9. Visualise
This works best if you do it before the frustrating situation comes up. When you’re alone and in a quiet place.
Visualise how you want to react the next time your child does something that typically gets you mad.
How do you handle the situation? How do you look? What do you say? How does your child react? How does it help your relationship with your child? Think about all these things, visualise the perfect situation, and then try to actually make that happen when the situation actually comes up.
10. Just laugh
Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that no one is perfect, that we should be enjoying this time with our kids, and that life should be fun — and funny.
Smile, laugh, be happy. Doesn’t always work, but it’s good to remind yourself of this now and then.
11. Just love
Instead of reacting with anger, teach yourself to react with love. Your child spills something or has a messy room or breaks your family heirloom? Yells at you or gets in trouble at school? React with love. It’s the best solution.
Feature image by Jen Loong; bath via Unsplash+/Getty; sofa by Jonathan Borba; breathe by Mikhail Nilov